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Ms Full Time Mummy

Darleena’s parenting style is as pleasant as the stained bed sheets after a fish finger fucked a half-smoked cigarette in the Flying Scotsman’s toilets. Sexually ignorant, Darleena believed that her yeww-pipin’ baby’s daddy’s inability to maintain an erection meant that he couldn’t impregnate her. However, he was able to thumb-pack and dick-mash his way to precisely the minimum amount of penetration needed to achieve a cretinous sprogging. 9 months later, Darleena is a full-time mummy to little Jailyr, and father “Rocko” is taking life by the wheel and then ramming it into ATMs and shit.

It’s Tuesday morning, so Darleena is enjoying a few cigarettes with her unemployed sister while young Jailyr is wrapped up tight in a Playboy blanket. Darleena turns to her sister and opens up about her maternal-angst, “first I thought, this is fucked, Rocko is a drongo, and i’m too young to have a loose’ole, but tell ya what, not having to work is fucking great”. Darleena’s sister nods in agreeance, “fucking oath hun, I’m thinking bout popping one out too, ay”. The moment is sweeter than Kevin Rudd’s pillow-talk to his look-a-like wife. Darleena’s sister toasts the sentiment with a big swig of Jailyr’s Red Bull, “oi slut, leave some for the little feller, ay”.

After attending to Jailyr’s basic needs, Darleena jumps on Facebook to update her occupation to “Full Time Mummy ♥” and then incoherently abuse Rocko, “Som peple Are TOXIC, all gd to talk SHIT but wheen it cums to IT WHERE ARE THEY? If yous redding this Rocko u deadshit, why dONT u rpley aand to TEXt messages?Serroisly dont need this in my LIFE right now!!!” To offset the ambiguity and anger of the post, she posts a picture she made on Paint of her and Jailyr within a love heart that is peppered with comic-sans sweet-nothings. The display of full time mummery is so cheesy that a Kalgoorlie hooker is picking it out of her teeth.

Clearly, Darleena’s rabid Facebooking motivated Rocko to drop off $46.35 of the $50 that he promised to give her. Cashed up, Darleena takes her little angel down to the Rockingham Shopping Centre to splurge at Supre. Jailyr screams mercilessly as Darleena diagonally drifts the pram through a sea of irritated shoppers. Distracted by discounted Pharmacy perfumes, Darleena rams the pram directly into an elderly gent, “watch it shit-for-brains!! I’v got a farking kid here!” She then parks her screaming angel at the entrance of Supre while she looks for the best leggings to compliment her pink faux-uggies that she liberated from the Good Sammy’s bin.

Her next stop is Hog’s Breath Cafe for lunchtime feed with her full time mummy mate. Jailyr and the other cack-dacked ball of joy stage a full blown scream-off, while Darleena treats herself to a sneaky Smirnoff. Her friend is struck with an idea, “I’ll ring mum, she’ll pick up the cherubs, and we can unwind!” Darleena is ecstatic, “great, I need a break from all this mothering shit ay”. The pair offloads their neglect onto a tired grandma, while they happily smoke darts without judgmental stares from strangers who believe smoking next to a pram is somewhat unwholesome… “Second-hand smoking is a bunch of shit hun, they don’t know me”.

Ashtray parenting is the art of defining your existence based on your maternal half-arsery, while putting the same passion into child-rearing as you would a red-headed step brother’s birthday card.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?