Cynthia is a bubble-wrap cunt who wants the world to concede to the PG-rated fuddy-duddyism that she propagates from her armchair throne. Short haired and perpetually scowling, Cynthia is the embodiment of tense, likened only to the atmosphere when Lloyd Rayney’s new girlfriend accidentally burns the snags at a Kings Park BBQ.
It’s a Thursday morning, and Cynthia is surveying her fertile hunting grounds: News.com.au comments sections. A magical News site that manages to double penetrate your mind with Buzzfeed quality tripe and faux-journalism that is as hard-hitting as a dehydrated chode’s fifth cumshot for the day.
She spots an outrage-inducing article, “Shane Warne: are you thirsty?” Cynthia is so outraged that pieces of the poorly buttered crumpet fall out of her mouth. She cracks her knuckles and gets to work. “This is a bloody outrage, he should be a role model! How dare he promote drinking! Creepy Uncle!!!!!” What does the woman expect from a chronic sex-texter who had baked beans imported to India? How dare he suggest the lads crack a few tinnies.
A few hours later she stumbles upon another simmering pot of outrageous offence, Karl Stefanovic made racist remarks about the Indians and Kiwis! The suggestion that Indians work at 7 Eleven and that Kiwi’s are dole bludgers triggers Cynthia and she evokes the spirit of the keyboard warrior. “I have lost so much respect for Karl, disgusting comments, I will be Boycotting Karl and certainly hope he gets the sack!!!!!” Cynthia needs a badge, Detective Sargeant Poorcunt of the Banter Police.
In an ideal world, Cynthia’s outrage would be a small blemish on the face of the status quo. Unfortunately, when the outraged minority start a jamboree, we are all forced to dance. Fear mongering media latch on to “outrage” like the parasitic cunt-leeches they are. Cynthia is feeling elated, she has brought some serious wrist game to today’s offence circle jerk.
Time to start up a “Boycott Sam Newman” FB page.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?