Ms Meat Causes Cancer

Veganism has been a tough road for Mandy. 6 months of hammering out preachy posts from her South Fremantle enlightenment-nest has taken its toll. Former friends, whom she now sees as meat-consuming savages had begun to ignore her maniacal fuckery. To make matters worse, she has failed to regain the trust of her clan of lentil-splitting yoga beans after she devoured a kebab while pissed the other night.

Finally, the lonely road of self-inflated moral superiority led Mandy to a blog post by a vegan activist, “MEAT CAUSES CANCER JUST LIKE CIGARETTES AND NUCLEAR WASTE!”. Written by a capslocked kook with all the ill-adjustment of a crazed PETA protester liberating a family’s fish feed into the harbour at Cicerello’s.

“Say no more”, she thought as she blindly shared the post on Facebook, “haha! Guess us “smug” vegans were right ay? The saddest part is the aggressive reaction from meat-murderers, behaving and dying just like smokers #cancerbacon #meatismurder #vegan #imavegan #rawkitchen #health #fitspo”. A post more conceited than a Moet-sippin’ socialite in the Brera VIP section.

Like a Sea Shepherd holding up her barely-informed crook, she attracted a legion of bandwagon-sheep that came a’flocking. “Vegans unite babe”, “OMG we’ve been saying this for years”, “they should put health warnings on ham packets!” Such is the nature of sensationalism, the flow of emotive fear-mongering spreads like body odour at a John Butler concert.

Within a few hours, Mandy’s #cancerbacon post had gone viral. Thousands informed by a woman who didn’t even read the WHO report let alone inform herself beyond the pool of smug-ejaculate a vegan activist had spooged all over his agenda’d page. High on validation, Mandy shares a picture of rolled-up ham in a cigarette packet, “luckily, when you choose to MURDER animals you also choose to murder yourself now :P”

But in a win for critical thought, the spread of counter-information seeped through the murky waters. As it turns out while processed meats are classed as carcinogenic, they posed a tiny risk to one’s chances of developing cancer. Anyway, in a world where re-using your Mount Franklin bottle is said to be cancerous, you may excuse people for throwing this WHO report in the fuck-it-bucket along with any of the fear-mongered guilt from #cancerbacon slacktivism.

Like a typical crusading-cunt she sharpens her nutty-blade and commits a typed-atrocity, “utterly disgusted right now, if meat-eaters are TOO DUMB to understand SCIENCE, then they should reconsider whether the world needs them. SIMPLY PUT, feeding MEAT to your children is CHILD ABUSE, and you should be PROSECUTED”.

Oh, fuck off.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?