DJ #blessed beats explodes like Mount Yassss-uvius sending molten hot lava #goals all over the dreams of established DJs. She has just received a call and they want her to play at an exclusive EDM party.
It’d be a lie to say she was the club’s first choice. See, a promoter met Mark Ronson’s manager in a van in the Floreat Forum carpark and was given assurances the superstar would play the gig.The club sold tickets like they were a Baldivis newsagent before the 30M super ball.
Turns out it wasn’t Ronson’s manager. He got played more viciously than a cheating allegation during a game of Monopoly at Fritzl’s family reunion. He needed a backup, fast. “Hey boss, you know DJ Trap Boi, he’s doing the circuit, almost got onto the bill at Glastonbury and Coachella?”
The promoter composes himself, “well, I can’t get him, but I can get a girl he used to spray his DNA on in 2016? Her Insta bio says EDM is life and she has over 200K followers, does a lot of beach gigs by the look of it”. In a world where #following numbers are confused with talent, she is an obvious choice.
She posts a photo of her playing a Claremont pool party, “yassss playing some badass EDM on Saturday night come through!! #edmislyfe#justdjthings#turnitup#turndownforwhat#djblessedbeats#ibizia#clubcanthandleme#bass4eva#basskween”
She rocks up to the gig dressed like she doesn’t just take pole dancing classes just for the exercise. She stares at the stage like the only mixer she is used to is a (fresh) lime & soda and believes a fader bar is sold by L’Oreal to conceal blemishes.
She is greeted by the promoter who is slimier than a Taxi driver’s rear view leer, “what have you got for us tonight babaayyy, we want drops, we want this to define EDM baby yehhh”
“Um like, loaded lots of Avicii and Guetta on my laptop, you guys have some CD Jills *hehe* I can use yeh? Totally going to drop some bangers, turn up and get this party like so lit, where will the photographer be standing?”
It was at this point the club realised they could’ve got their balding 40 y/o cousin who still DJ’s to “get chicks” to do the gig for half the price.
Oh, and it turns out that the public weren’t big on the whole “Ronson isn’t playing ” wild card, so fuck all have shown up.
DJ #blessed beats plays shitty EDM tracks using the best technique she has in her repertoire: volume control. She waits for a naturally occurring drop in the track, turns up the volume and raises both hands in the air like she fucking did something.
After her 15 minute set, she is surrounded by more arse-suckers than Kim Jong-un with a chemical-y rag. “You nailed it babe”, “that was lit”, “did you want to do a line off my bulging erection?”
She laps up the attention and ambushes the photographer, “sweetie I will need to see those photos of me before they go up, it’s like totally important for my brand OK”.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
