Since leaving school, Katie’s life has been harder than Ivana Trump trying to climax while looking at the roadkill on Donald’s head bobbing between her legs.
Her dad took away her BMW for dropping out of Notre Dame, and she had to work a number of weekends during her 2-month career at Sportsgirl.
Katie could never shake the notion that employment was something ugly people did and continued to fund her lifestyle by grovelling for parental cheddar like a collagen’d lipped rat.
She reflected on the gaping plumber’s crack of a void in her life and where some people saw “unemployment” she saw “entrepreneur”.
Now her entrepreneurial cunt-folio was about as diverse as the porn genre’s found on Rolf Harris’ hard drive: Herbalife and daily Instagram videos of her squatting weights in expensive activewear.
When Katie wasn’t triple message hounding high school acquaintances on Facebook to buy her supplements, she was “inspiring” and “influencing” society by making moderate use of her gym membership.
It’s Friday evening, and Katie doesn’t miss a chance to “build her brand”. She decks herself out in an “I bet you think I’m sponsored” amount of Nike activewear and pops into Jetts 24 hour gym. She snaps a selfie:
“You ain’t going to get results drinking at the pub! Hehe, Friday night work out #whynot #dontcare #fitbitch #doesshesquat? #sacrifice #fitspo #health #herbalife #boss #getthatpaper”
Great work Katie. You “inspired” your followers who consist of Arabic men who want to invite you to Dubai and blokes who still wear skate shoes from the ’90s and are currently crashing on the spare single bed in their parent’s backroom.
But fuck the haters, Katie is a boss. She received a message back from a company that sells “diet tea” advising her that if she could bring her following up to 10K, they may use her for advertising.
Unfortunately, her 500 follower empire is looking as depleted as Dane Swan’s dopamine levels after a long weekend.
She decides the only course of action is to put a hold on her inspirational quote and workout vids posts and focus on full body nudity with some minor censorship. Her following grew.
With the help of greasy bathroom selfies and CK underwear, she was getting ready to board the SS sponsorship and cruise through the gravy-waves of fortune. By fortune, I mean copping $75 for posing with a container of detox tea.
High on business, she addresses her followers like the Warren Buffet of useless shit she is:
“Life is your for the taking. Never settle for average and keep striving x #paid #entrepreneur #noscrubs #gucci #bossbitch #fitso #notapornstar #dollarbillsyall”
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?