North Freo resident Sam has prided himself on over 10 years of failing to pick the free flowing lane on Stirling Highway. Labelling himself a “master”.
Passengers who have ridden with Sam say he has an uncanny knack for picking the worst lane to be in at the given moment. Some describe it as “otherworldly”.
This is in stark comparison to the rest of his life achievements which currently stand at a bachelor’s degree in commerce and a relationship that everyone knows is going nowhere.
Stuck in traffic and cursing like a sailor who just stubbed his toe on a coffee table, Sam told The Times,
“Name me one other North Freo boy who can pick the most frustrating god damn fkn lane to be in? At every fkn time of the god damn day driving on this cockkksuuuking piece of shit road. GOD DAMN”
Utilising ineffective breathing techniques Sam continued,
“Whenever I switch left some sunovabitch decides they need to turn left. Whenever I switch right I get right up the arse of some bus. I love it. I joke with my girlfriend that I’m gonna get out and kerbstomp someone”
Such is his ability, Sam can almost guarantee with certainty that whatever lane he chooses to switch into will present himself with some ghastly impediment.
However, a Claremont resident feels that he has Sam beat. Telling The Times,
“In over 40 years of driving, I don’t think I’ve ever picked the best lane to be in on Stirling Highway. I reckon I passed it onto my kids. My legacy if you will”
Experts say that Sam isn’t alone. An analyst told The Times,
“You’d think it was 50:50 but that’s assuming Stirling Highway operates on the same laws of mathematical probability. It doesn’t. Stirling Highway is more of a sentient being, out to ruin your day. The house always wins my friend”
Sam promises he isn’t a one trick pony. Alleging that he also fails to read the flow of traffic on Canning Highway. A skill he considers “ancillary” to his base.
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