Good weather has always been the sweet icing on the shitty sponge cake of Perth’s drawcards. So much so, that the average Perth citizen confuses our weather trends with a personality trait. Especially when speaking to people from over East.
Peth’s summer might be hotter in the bedroom but our winters are more likely to surprise you. Like that probing digit you didn’t know you were into, you could be smacked with a 30-degree day in August. Or you could be facing your 4th once-in-a-decade storm for the month. If you are going to lay down on this meteorological mattress, you best keep an open mind.
Much like our average temperatures, Perth people have very little chill when it comes to the weather. While it may possible to own an Instagram account and not post some shit-eating, “what winter?” caption on a sunny winter day, the theory remains largely untested.
Similarly, each new once-in-a-decade storm triggers the full fuckery of small-town mindsets. Starting with outrageous media hyping and finishing with hordes of citizens with unsatisfied storm-lust brandishing their pitchforks as they call for the heads of the BOM staff.
Our carry-on is certainly not just limited to the behaviours above. Oh no, we also show the kinda tolerance to the cold that would make an ice-divers bulge look impressive. Despite the average winter temp sitting around 19 degrees, people will spend 100’s of dollars kitting themselves out like a future stiff on the slopes of Everest.
Other horrific scenes unfold every day over the 3 month onslaught with motorists struggling to un-fog their windscreens. Yes, after, however many decades they’ve operated an automobile they still can’t work out which button to press and are often seen desperately using their forearm to wipe the screen. Do they stop driving for this? Fark no.
If you thought a frosted windscreen was as bad as it gets then think again. A Perf citizen’s greatest battle over winter is maintaining their resolve to wear shorts to the pub despite the nights getting objectively chilly. Although, pairing shorts with an arctic jacket seems to be the winning formula. After all, shorts aren’t fashion in this city, they are a lifestyle.
You’d think with how much Perth goes on about their great winters, the citizens wouldn’t want to miss a single day of it. Wrong. As traditionally the most popular winter activity in Perth continues to be blowing your tax refund on a trip to Bali rather than the crippling debt destroying your life. Not this year though, thanks COVID.
Not to worry, one can still go on a magical adventure to a faraway land if they decide to run the gauntlet in Balingup to get a nice haul of shrooms – your passport to giggletopia. Provided you don’t get snitched out by a farmer and cut your weekend short at the local cop shop.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?