One can be forgiven for being overcome with a cold sweat at the thought of having to show friends or family around Perth for the first time.

If the weather isn’t stunning then about 80% of the best activities are out of action and you may think you’ll be doomed to call it quits after about 40minutes of lacklustre sightseeing. Never fear, this guide will cure what ails ya.

Retrieve your car from the pub car park – When visiting Perth, do as the locals do and spend half your Sunday morning trekking to whichever god forsaken pub you left your car at while cursing the City’s world-class public transport system.

You could be a hero and take an Uber but thanks to our legendary sprawl this could prove rather costly if you were a little adventurous with the choice of pub from the night before.

Talking shit around a glass table tour – Perth is still a very much a backyard gathering kinda town. In part due to historical prices of pints that would make your eyes water and in part to the reluctance to bend to society’s expectations with so called “dress codes”.

So, do as the locals do and solve all of the world’s problems while cracking a few tinnies, chain-smoking and talking smack until the wee hours of the morning.

Drop a few pingaz at the Perth Stadium Light Show – It’s worth celebrating when Perth nails something – because it’s not that often. We’ve certainly had our fair share of underwhelming failures that bring incredible shame to anyone looking to entertain some guests.

Perth Stadium is one of our crowning achievements and its post game light show looks like the Aurora Borealis and Aurora Australis bumped beams in a passionate embrace and gave birth to the #1 sporting facility in Australia to get cooked at.

Enjoy some carnage at the Baysie Bridge – Sadly, there is a time restriction on this particular attraction as the Metronet megalodon comes menacingly close to swallowing up the Baysie bridge whole.

Nevertheless, spend a day camped out at Bayswater for your chance to see one of these mighty road whales beach themselves on the shores of incompetence. Who knows, you may even go down in history as having witnessed the very last disaster. Special.

Show ’em the Cockburn sign – It’s the star attraction on everyone’s lips. It believed that people come from all across the world to laugh at the fact Perth is so deep in denial it pronounces it as “Coburn”.

Don’t let all the Hi-Vis and crass bumper stickers fool you, we fancy like that. Set aside at least 4 hours for this attraction in case you get accosted by local youths in the City of Cockburn.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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