Welcome to Hillarys brave adventurer – one of your last stops before delving deeper into Perf’s unnecessary Northern sprawl aka the heart of darkness.
Getting There
Hillarys is strategically and unfortunately situated off the Joondalup Line. So ask yourself a question; do you want your shit stolen face to face? Or would you rather some rapscallion from the North break into your car while you enjoy the Marina? The choice is yours. Slap a Premier League sticker on the back to truly fit in.
Top Experiences in Hillarys
Show everyone you’re a weekend warrior on the boat ramp
We get it, Johnson is riding you at work, the wife is off with her tennis instructor and your head is beginning to resemble a bar of soap covered in scarce pubic hair. So you bought a boat. Did you take the time to learn how to launch it? Of course, you didn’t, join the parade of prideful dads and fuck up your new toy as you cop the lot from angry boaties waiting in line.
Free parking battle royale
Bear in mind you live in a city where motorists will spend 2 hours queuing to save a few bucks on fuel. So, what do you think the enchanting siren song of “free parking” will do to them? Don’t be surprised if you see people guarding a spot for a relative that is still 10 minutes away. Certainly, don’t be surprised if you see a fistfight over an allegation of a stolen park. Soon you will learn there is no such thing as “free” parking. It takes a part of your soul.
Pay your respects
Head to the site of The Great Escape and pour out the vinegar pooled in a bucket of chips on the sacred turf. For once upon a time, children would flock from far and wide to enjoy the thrill ride of mediocre slides lubricated by almost pure urine. Next, take a walk to the Marina and pay your respects at the site of the historic Milk Carton Regatta – a beautiful memory for us but a horrifying fever dream for an OHS fun nazi.
Enjoy the serenity
Ah, yes, the pure serenity of screeching seagulls, screaming children, nasal whines from every aggrieved pommy Karen in eateries and the harsh bark of the South African father trying to wrangle his saffalings. It’s basically like Beethoven if he composed symphonies using only noises that make you want to slam your head against the nearest hard surface.
Swim
Ever thought to yourself “this beach could use way more kids?” Probably not unless you are the boy from Bassendean. Enjoy a dip at Perf’s best aquatic daycare centre and with any luck a dead whale hasn’t washed up nearby to turn the scene into a reenactment of My Little Jaws.
Attempt entry to Bar 1 in red shoes
This one is for the thrill seekers. See if you can slip one past Bar 1 and get in wearing the red scourge of society. Your prize? You might see Benny C there.
Out English Everyone
While Hillarys is like the Mos Eisley Cantina of weird tourists it is still ruled by one nationality, the English. Enjoy all the fun of being an English visitor by copping 3rd-degree burns from the sun and then complain that the food, vibe and prices aren’t up to scratch as compared to some disgusting English seaside spot you used to enjoy back home.
Culinary Treasures
You are spoiled for choice in Hillarys. You can either dine at the same chain restaurants you see at every tourist spot or you can run the specials gauntlet. Remember, Hillarys was once so famous for its unaffordability that a local pub made a media announcement that it was going to stop reaming people. There are specials to be had but if you don’t do your research you’ll be eating a nice big bowl of extortion.
Testimonial
“I’m not tryna be funny but this is the pwoblem with you Aussiiies, this is nuffin like Bwighton it’s wubbish and also…”
… I’ll just stop you there Pwince Barry, shut the fuck up. Let’s hear from someone else,
“Oh em gee does Bar 1 have Afterpay yet? EXXXXpresso Martinis on me, girls night! Woooo” – Britney S.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
