Enjoy an idyllic break in Perth’s very own Mordor of the east. Start each morning with miscellaneous emergency services sirens aka with the Middo-alarm clock and be grateful you aren’t in Kalgoorlie.
GETTING THERE
One simply must catch the train to Midland. Under the Government’s Metronet project the 51-year-old traino will be replaced with a brand spanker, so don’t miss your chance to enjoy the strong stench of half-century-old urea that has become a hallmark of this great station.
TOP EXPERIENCES IN MIDLAND
Destroy your insurance premium – If you decide to drive into Midland, watch out. According to data released by AAMI, Great Eastern Highway in Midland is the number #1 spot to have a crash. 37% of these bingles were due to failure to give way. Which is very on-brand for the “get the fark out of my way” style of driving that angry bogans love to practice.
Own your own home – Recent broker data has suggested that it’s actually cheaper to buy a property in Midland than to rent. Enjoy a fantastic lifestyle on the door step of the Swan Valley and Perth Hills. Alternatively, enjoy the freedom to run your own ice-lab without the burden of rental inspections hovering over your operation. Do Midland, your way.
Build a train – Railcar manufacturing is returning to Midland for the first time since 1994. Enjoy a sense of pride in Aussie built trains or alternatively, flex hard on the rival youth “gangs” and be first to tag the new train carriages as they roll out to service Perth.
Acquire some bargains – According to police data, Midland District is the #1 spot to have a bit dirty gank all over the face of naive retailers. One can assume that the mighty Midland Gate would be the Mecca of five finger discounts. However, if a minimalist lifestyle is your thing, just walk home from the train station at night. Someone will surely relieve you of your belongings.
FASHION TRENDS – bald head, goatee and speed dealer sunnies. It’s the holy trinity of aggro Midland bogan-chic and a must look this summer. Feel free to don some Hi-Vis too, even if you don’t work. Sheilas are encouraged to rock Ugg Boots and leggings in the winter.
LOCAL CUISINES – if you don’t get a chance to grab a bite, don’t fear, just bump into someone at the local watering holes or shops and someone will definitely feed you. Knuckle sandwiches pair well with an ice-cold can of Export after.
Testimonial : “Midland, dog” – Anonymous
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
