Pubs to Swap Perfectly Good Tables for Wooden Pallets To Compete With Pop Up Bars This Summer

Rather than sit back and accept the seasonal abandonment of their customers, venues across Perth are tackling the competition head-on by ditching their perfectly comfortable furniture for wooden pallets. 

When it comes to Perth summer hospitality, the people can’t get enough of the temporary satisfaction of drinking from plastic cups and rolling the dice with a coupla cheeky splinters. 

We spoke to a marketing expert who works closely with pubs, who told The Bell Tower Times,

“We’re rolling out a raft of options to try and compete with the pop ups this summer. Wooden pallets are a biggie for some reason. However, we’re also going to rename our beer garden something stupid and say it’s only open for a limited time. Idiots love that shit”

In addition to the removal of practical furniture, many venues will be painting on some innocuous hashtag. A hashtag expert told us,

“Morons really love hashtags. For a lot of people, especially wannabe influencers the entire point of going out is to be later found on social media. What better way than some fresh new hashtag? We really think we can compete with Pop-Ups with these small changes”

We spoke to a “wannabe influencer” who told us she was really excited about pop up season, 

“OMG how good are pop ups! Like soooo Melbourne but before Melbourne was all gross and virusy? Yaknow? Ya girl isn’t going to miss an opening or closing night of any of them. It’s important for my tribe and my brand that I’m seen there”

That was undoubtedly the most painful 15 seconds we’ve ever spent listening to a human being. Nevertheless, many venues are Perth are looking forward to disrupting the thriving pop up scene.

An owner wishing to remain anonymous told us,

“It’s farked mate, they just swoon in during the profitable time of the year, don’t have yearly overheads and all that malarky. Take all our customers and then vamanos during the winter of discontent. Brilliant business model really but dog act, man, dog act”

Another small business owner told us,

“Yeah, it’s like pop up bars are the cool new stepdad that isn’t on the brink of bankruptcy after the divorce. Then when Mr Cool pisses off when he gets bored, they all come back to us. Acting like we didn’t notice their betrayal. Bunch of Judas’ mate. Please give ya brick & mortar dads a call, kids”

Good luck to all the venues across Perth this summer season. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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