REPORT: Going To Be A Rough Week For People Who Don’t Like Sports Small Chat

Everyone on the sports negativity spectrum will be heavily affected this week by the absolute deluge of sporting small chats. Be you a full-blown sports hater or just indifferent to it, you’ll likely be unable to avoid a very girthy bit of chat about it. 

Tonight alone will be showing the footy, Tour de France, Wimbledon and The Ashes. A true smorgasbord of high-profile sports. We spoke to an admin lady who hated sports so much that her last Secret Santa got her a ‘SPORTSBALL” mug. She told The Times,

“I will be bringing in my noise-cancelling headphones. I refuse to accept people freely choosing to watch sports when they could be reading a good book. If anyone tries to talk to me about a stumping or a peloton I will be making formal complaints. HEADPHONES ON, SPORTS FREE ZONE!”

Similarly, a bartender who prides themselves on their artistic pursuits said it was going to be a long weekend. Adding,

“It’s our job to make the customer feel valued but I am physically incapable of not sneering at sport when it’s discussed. Unless you’re talking about eSports because I play tons of Playstation. I think I’ll have to drink twice as much on shift”

Obviously, it’s a lost cause for the haters but the indifferent types face a real problem – exclude themselves or face social exclusion by not having any hot takes from the weekend’s events! 

Thankfully, an office angel and moderate sports enthusiast in one office have them covered. Starting up an email list of a few talking points and accepted hot takes on the issues. He told The Times,

“The new IT bloke wasn’t big on sports but he came steaming in and asked the group whether we reckon the English were still sooking like big fkn babies (as per my email). He was instantly accepted into a group he really didn’t care to be a part of. That’s beautiful. That’s the workplace”

Doing the lord’s work mate, the lord’s work. 

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