Seasonal Scumbag “Chuffed” At Timing of WA Mask Mandate

“It’s very convenient”, Claude* said while sipping on what he called his “nerve calmer” – a can of American serve JD & Coke. 

See Claude belongs to a very specific breed of scumbag crim who doesn’t identify as a crim perse. No, he’s what he calls an “opportunist” and there is plenty of opportunity around X-Mas time.

People are away, people are passed out, people are loaded up with the kind of load that would make a pawnstar beg for more. For Claude, this is his time to shine. 

So what better mandate could there be for Claude, than one asking West Aussies to wear a mask this X-Mas weekend. 

Claude told The Bell Tower Times,

“Look, it could’ve been better, could’ve been a total mask in public mandate but to be honest, no one’s going to question while I’m concealing my face this weekend be it in or outdoors, it’s perfect mate”

We asked Claude to elaborate on “perfect”, he told us,

“Well, whether I’m pinching a handbag from the pub, knocking on a random’s door to get a quick ocular assessment of their home or just staunching a cunny at the bottlo for his till takings, I’m in the clear mate, you beauty”

Of course, what Claude means is it will be more difficult for the police to identify him. Alas, his DNA is on more records than Clintons on an intern’s dress. So… it may not be the master plan he thought it was. 

Nevertheless, Claude has put out multiple Gumtree ads offering free quotes on landscaping, interior designing and anything else that gets his greasy, thieving arse into someone else’s home. 

In his words, “tis the time for insurance premiums

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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