Now according to me sources this whole voirus business started when some muppet ate a bat. Shouldn’t of happened mate, it’s not on.
See, when I was sent to China to consult on construction I lived off McDonald’s chicken nuggets for 8 months straight. Wouldn’t touch their food and guess what I didn’t get all the pubs in Australia closed down. Not that hard mate.
Anyway here’s some help with this “social distancing” caper:
Use your bodies natural defences
I’m no stranger to being physically repulsive to the people around me. You see what happens when you try to hit up the knock shops after working 50 hours straight in 70 degree heat in the Pilbara mate. They aren’t having a bar of it.
If you want people to stay back, just let nature take its course and cultivate a thick man musk. My mates reckon I smell like a gangrenous turd ha ha, guess what I also don’t have Coronavirus, think about it.
Get your game face on
Picture this, I’m sitting down to watch the quarter-finals at the pub, I’m halfway through telling a story about how I torped it 80m to win me year 12 grand final and then some yoghurt cock goes and changes the TV to the soccer.
I stand up and shoot him a look that could curdle ice coffee and he cacks himself and then bolts from the pub. He even leaves a trail of Yogo dirt dessert behind him.
So, what can we learn from this? Firstly, no one fucks with me and secondly, looking pissed off is a powerful social distancing tool.
Now, I had this idea during me last cashie job. I told the family to get out while I was working – no one speaks to or infects keifo while he’s on the job. I’ve always wanted to do this but Coronavirus gave me the excuse I needed.
Alone in this rich blokes house, I noticed how much extra shit they had. Mate, I didn’t know to go shopping that arvo I just loaded up the ute with a coupla couplas. Toilet paper, hand sani, a 6 pack, some prescription tablets, tea bags, a watch – you know just the essentials, mate.
They should be grateful for it too. If you have too much shit it’ll just get wasted and Keifo stands against that o’roight.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?