Congratulations on your decision to move from casual suburban pest to a full-time rate paying Rambo that won’t rest until your enemies lay in a puddle of submissive piss at your feet. Enjoy this guide to help you lock & load.
You didn’t buy land, you bought power – A true NIMBY knows that real estate is about power & control. Hey, you bought that Cottesloe pad for $80k 40 years ago, why shouldn’t the neighbourhood bend a knee to your every whim?
Be merely outstaying your welcome in a suburb you’ve earned the authority to tell someone you disapprove of their new paint job.
Did that tasteless new occupant pay $3.5M for the house with an expectation they could do what they want? Yes, but how fucken wrong they were.
Be allergic to change – Remember, any proposal or change in the neighbourhood that doesn’t directly benefit you is bad. That’s your default position and no one would dare ask you to burden yourself with due consideration and critical thought.
A fun little activity is to instantly assume something is bad, for example, a skate park, and then bend over, reach deep in your affluent arris and pull out reasons that seem to fit that conclusion.
Then post a meme about how kids used to drink out of garden hoses and play until the sun goes down, only to sleep in an 80degree asbestos-lined bedroom. Yearn for a past with the kinda forced nostalgia that you love so much. Change is bad.
Never resort to a friendly chat about a grievance – When you see something you don’t care for in your hood you have to go straight to Defcon 1. Ask any true NIMBY, a polite chat with a neighbour about your expectation they will add a second storey to their dwelling by June never goes down well.
You have to rain down hellfire as soon as possible. Hit them with the passive-aggressive notes and then try to cancel them on the FB group that you rule with an iron fist.
Also, get authorities involved immediately. Do you think someone is going to fire up their lawn mower at 10am again when it clearly falls outside the 2 hour window you have allocated for “lawn maintenance” in the “street contract” you tried to get them to sign when they moved in? Forgetaboutit.
Blowfish your status – Depending on the suburb you choose to NIMBY in you have a little clout but leave out that “little” bit. Perhaps your son went to school with a low level bureaucrat with a modicum of social capital to get a complaint letter to the front of the queue.
Instead, simply tell your neighbour or local council that you “have contacts high up in Government” and can make life very hard for you. Carry on like you’re a member of the Bohemian Grove.
In reality, the only reason your amateur hour contacts give you any time is out of fear of having to talk to you more. They are taking the road of least resistance but you lean into that.
Don’t fill up your life with pesky hobbies, friendships, or joy – When other people, for instance, move next to a pub and hear music, they might choose to join in and have a beer. Not you, don’t you EVER fill your heart with joy. Crush them with civil complaints.
Likewise, if you have too many hobbies or social obligations you may miss something while you keep a hawk-eye on your domain. So don’t go doing that.
You have one mission in life – force your neighbours to mould into your limited & sheltered view of what coexistence should look like.
Good luck and happy NIMBYING!
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
