It doesn’t matter who you are, there is something to get offended about this Halloween for everyone. Here are some cute ideas for those who are fans of screaming their opinion into the dark abyss of outrage culture:
Outrage Over Costumes
Well, who would’ve believed it? A bogan has gone to his local footy club party looking like Justin Trudeau attending a Halloween party in a coal mine. Now, just because you call the police when African youths are waiting “suspiciously” at your local bus stop, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t start a change.org petition and a hate campaign against this total stranger. How else will people know you are morally superior?
Don’t stop there though, racial insensitivity is merely an entrée on the buffet of bad taste costumes you will see this weekend – sexy Ivan Milat, the roofie from Rapture, the refrigeration compartment of a truck being driven by a North Irishman etc. Now you might not be wearing a costume but you sure as fuck have a cape on – so go get ’em, tiger.
Judging Girls Showing Some Skin
The one thing that unites us all, from leering larry to hardcore feminists, is that it is totally fine for girls to dress like the stripper version of anything on Halloween. The entire world is on board with a little T&A, except you, of course. Oh no, these stunning lean Fillies remind you of the short-haired Shetland Pony you have become, forever chewing the bitter cud of jealousy.
While you stagnate in your outdated pond of modesty shoot them the ocular spanking their fathers never gave them (before their daddies do for real).
Trick or Treat
How will your baby ever cope with the societal pressures of being offered a phallically masculine Boost Bar, when it may be his choice to enjoy a more feminine Cadbury Dream, and fuck, what if the lollies contain GMOs, gluten or sugar? Not on your watch. Do a round of the neighbourhood and hand out recyclable bags full of mung beans or whatever the fuck it is you eat.
You know all about tricks. Like those so-called “doctors” telling vaccines work or those certain regulatory bodies telling you that your 2-week course in holistic medicine doesn’t authorise you to doll out medical advice on Facebook. Be on high alert, big pharma is trickier than working out a mate’s microwave after a big night out.
America, fuck no!
Despite Halloween’s origins stemming from Celtic traditions, you should make it clear that you will not tolerate any “American shit” in your backyard. Except for the Ford that is literally in your backyard, and Netflix, and half the music you listen to, and all that pornography you watch in the portable toilet when you should be working. Look, apart from all that shit, NO American shit.
See, America has seeped into our “culture” like the premature ejaculate through a virgin’s grundies. So, if you take an aggressively anti-American stance on non-American tradition, you might come off as a bit of a simpleton.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?