As the weather warms up, Mother Nature reminds Perth she’s still here by releasing the iconic Swan River shart stench into the air. It’s truly the smell of summer mixed with a discarded pair of jocks in Kuta’s Sky Garden toilets.
It seems unfair that such an iconic odour could only be enjoyed by those venturing to the river so South Perth plans to bottle the scent so that everyone can enjoy the abrasive pong from the comfort of their homes.
Speaking to the perfume specialist tasked with recreating the scent, we were told that it wasn’t easy getting the exact dry-retch-inducing funk just right. Bianca told The Bell Tower Times,
“It’s got to be that stink that Perth loves so much. As soon as you open the bottle your nostrils should flare and you should accuse the person next to you of dropping their guts in the most heinous way possible. That’s what brings people together in the warmer months”
Accordingly, the scent will be made from the finest macroalgae, river weeds, waterfowl shit, and a delicate blend of Jet Ski bogan B.O that should excite the nostrils.
A South Perth resident with family overseas told us,
“My family hasn’t visited for about 3 years but that’s all they can keep talking about! Always asking me if they’ve fixed that disgusting smell or if it was just me not eating well. Now I can send them a little bottle of joy to remind them of the time they thought I turned my grundies into a tub of Yogo Dirt Dessert”
An unofficial spokesperson for South Perth told us,
“We think it will make the perfect little gift for X-Mas and we hope people will send a bottle to their relatives stuck interstate or overseas to remind them that the rotten, gag-worthy fetor is still waiting for them when they get home. Like a big, warm, foul hug”
If sales of the scent go as predicted (200,000 units in the first month) then South Perth plans to work with Cottesloe to release a rotting seaweed odour that is sure to make your eyes water.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?