Spewin’ & Yewin’: Backpackers Hostels

Look, when yous travel, yous are ambassadors for Straya, mate. So stop travelling like a dick and take some advice from a true mad kent, yew!

Greeting Your Dorm

When entering your dorm your goal is simple: make as many girls want to fuck you as possible. Goes without saying you’ve got a singlet on and are Lynx’d up from arsehole to breakfast time, so what else can you do? Start by calling every other dude in the room “chief” and then really make those lady-sponges wet by disregarding your assigned bed and making some piss-weak prick move for you.


Travel brings people together, and more importantly, it brings people’s grub together into one convenient location. Clearly, your coin is reserved for getting farked up (and the occasional rub ‘n tug) so cut costs by raiding the communal fridge like it was on an ASIO watchlist. Don’t feel bad, after all, you need ya energy for ploughing slurries, for the greater good and that.

Hostel Drinks

How much piss you can sink is directly related to your dick size. Everyone knows this, so don’t be a pussy. Show every foreigner how a real Aussie smashes beer and then talks over everyone as loudly as possible. Don’t let the truth get in the way of your yarns, just keep impressing the ladies with how much of a sick-cunt you are back home. Don’t stop until you go full exorcist on the toilet bowl. Return triumphant, ready for round 2.


This chick I used to knock around with reckons it’s hard not to find a drunk Aussie sexy. Wise words, and along with her warts, that information has never left me, so needless to say I slay every time I get hammered, boiiiii. Some blokes choose the shower, but why hide it? You wouldn’t ask The Hilltop Hoods to spit rhymes in the shower, you’d want ‘em right in your dorm room, so that’s where I create my own creaky bed music. Everyone loves it.

Yewing ain’t easy, so if you reckon that was the kootz, shout us a beer, ay?