Ah, the open road, a peaceful world of finger waves and serenity, right? Wrong, to succeed as a road trip driver you will have to mentally overcome many hurdles.
Among the worst road pests, you’ll encounter are Grey Nomads who only remember the accelerator when an overtaking lane appears, road train drivers who have had less sleep than the Island of Ibiza, and of course, the haunting sound of your mates having fun while you have to concentrate.
Once you leave the metro area it is essential that you give the “wave” to every motorist that passes you in the opposite direction. This society might be spiralling into a depraved hell hole of rudeness but this tradition prevails. It’s what separates us from the animals.
Heavy is the hand that controls the GPS. If you don’t have a firm grasp on the technology or can’t read a map, then get back on the pleb bench with the rest of the road trip losers.
Riding shotgun should be reserved for your best & brightest, because ultimately if you’re the reason the group has to sleep at some Wolf Creek shit-hole, you’ll be hoisted out of that front seat faster than Paul Walker.
You know what’s worse than enduring one average song? Having to listen to the first 10 seconds of 12 shit songs. As life must have taught you by now, not every choice you make is going to be a winner, so relax and avoid acting like a cooked cunt at kick-ons.
Similarly, if you have the musical taste of 40-year-old Uber driver, then perhaps hand the controls to someone else.
This ain’t the Fat Duck, it’s rural Australia and sometimes you will be forced to survive off the fat of the road-house There are no excuses to be picky, even for the vegos, given that whatever animal matter that was once in the bain-marie fodder has been there long enough to be officially classed as coal.
Remember to buy snacks for the car, unless of course, your idea of a snack is tinned tuna because that’s what fuckheads eat in confined spaces.
One obvious consequence of driving into the outback is the inevitability you will deal with the citizens of the outback – especially at caravan parks. Enjoy the full range of country personalities are you sleep with a knife under your pillow and pray that dude you saw skinning his recent roadkill dinner doesn’t come to say hello.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?