Welcome, children. As a young man, I went on an adventure to the spiritual homeland of south-east Asia to receive the healing touch from a great variety of priestesses. It was there I learned of my dharma: I was to return home carrying a sacred fire that would burn deep down throughout this lifetime, and continue its transmission to many others.
From the moment I became certified as a master of spiritual wisdom and teacher of Yoga, after completing a two week online course, it has been my great joy to bring inner union to women of all ages (and a few curious young men) who seek me out in recreation centres and gym franchises across this country. Truly, I am humbled by the reverence and devotion my pupils show towards me, even as I swell with pride to think of those I have routed upon their own journey through deep instruction.
It was to this mission that I was called back recently by one of my pupils, heretofore a most receptive and amenable young lady, for whom gathering clouds of ethical conflict had thrown doubtful shade over the light of my teachings.
Question, she did, how it was that I could both renounce all attachment to pleasures of the flesh when leading classes, as well as in my many self-published guides to spiritual living, and still appear solicitous of pleasure to a most worldly region of my own flesh pictured in a message sent to her from my phone. Question further, she did, whether I had given her friend herpes.
Question this I began to also.
I meditated upon this at length until I received from the infinite wisdom a response to any current or future accusations of misconduct, reproduced below as faithfully transcribed by my legal representative:
Yogi Groprah believes that the god of creation, love, and knowledge is a woman, and that all mortal lifeforms, be they as big as an elephant, or as small as a virus, are but pilgrims on the path of return to the perfumed garden of her eternal yoni, where they might dwell again in peace and nirvana. He believes that satan, in all his vile toxicity, is masculine. As a devoted champion of the great goddess, and all of the beautiful, strong, brave women of the earth that share in her likeness, Yogi Groprah performs regular checks of his own privilege by manifesting its image and confronting it, and occasionally presenting it for medical examination. He encourages his pupils to join him in the confrontation of his satanic aspect, so that through this difficult process they may at last celebrate having got Satan behind them. This will be the subject of his upcoming book, “Empyting the evil in the digital age.”