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The Golden Retriever Owner

Mary decided to purchase a Golden Retriever during a period of great turmoil in her life. Her eldest daughter had married a Labor voter and her son had dropped out of law to pursue a trade.

Accordingly, she needed a pet that would not only replace her disowned children but help to reclaim the supremacy of the family name.

Naturally, the waiting list for a new puppy was quite brutal at the time – which wasn’t a problem for Mary. As she’d remembered her husband’s business partner mentioning his family were right at the top of the list and were ready to seal the deal.

Unluckily for him, Mary knew through the latte-circles that he was banging his au pair on the side. So she got her husband to put in the hard word that if he didn’t give the new pup to them, she was going to ruin his life. It was a dog act but ultimately it had to be done.

A small attempt was made to train the big feller but Mary fell foul of the puppy school on the first visit when they insisted her dog wear some form of collar or harness. Mary flew off the chain herself and still remembers berating the trainer until she broke down in tears.

Mary is not a monster, you have to understand, the trainer stunk of a Belmont upbringing yet dared to suggest a Claremont dog needed restraining. Mary can’t stress it enough that she considers her fur baby to be several socials levels above people from the outer suburbs.

Needless to say, the lovable goof was poorly trained and spoiled to the point of absurdity. Home-cooked meals of fillet steak, asparagus with a sprinkling of the finest Providore dry food. Which was a shitload more than her son gets after he enrolled in TAFE.

Little did Mary know that tensions were simmering in her leafy burbs. It seems her daily actions of refusing to control her dog at the park and letting it lay fresh steamers on her neighbour’s lawns were being noticed.

One day while scrolling through her FB neighbourhood page to see if anyone had reported the presence of an SS ute on her street she saw a post clearly aimed at her. Within minutes the comment section lit up with residents airing their grievances.

She is livid by this public attack on her golden son. Making it clear that HER dog is friendly and if there are any issues at the park it’s due to lower breeds and their owners. Whom she strongly believe live in the “poor” part of Claremont.

It’s a brutal couple of hours but Mary concedes no ground and makes no apologies. Vowing to increase her dog’s diet so he’ll have plenty more presents for nosey neighbours in the future. Alas, all this has taken a toll on her.

Nevertheless, the experience has mortified Mary – how could anyone look at her dog and not see an affluent, blonde-haired child of considerable standing? She has to up her and her dog’s valium doses levels to deal with it all.

Some people just don’t deserve to live near a Golden Retriever.