The Perth Asian

Chuntao Lee (Jenny) was born in Kardinya to two Chinese immigrants. A well-loved child that copped a taste of the old one-child policy when she fell 2 ATAR points short of UWA medicine.

She was cast out of the mainland of the large en-suite and placed in the Taiwan that was her little sister’s room. She would occasionally ask if she could have her keys to her Honda Civic back, but like a Beijing’er trying to google oppression, it wasn’t going to happen.

Desperate for her parent’s approval, Jenny spent her days at Utopia taking peace sign selfies and her nights at Metros City hoping to find herself a husband. She takes one sip of her drink and goes redder than a pegged baboon’s arse. Time to prowl.

Ni hao! She spots an Asian gent in Yeezy Boosts and a Supreme shirt. He was hotter than the sandal buckles on a self-immolating Tibetan Monk at an anti-Chinese occupation protest. Simply put, she set her oriental wiles on fire. Oh and he was a resident doctor.

She knew “zhong le tou cai” when he offered to take her to the Casino for darts and gambling. They bonded over stories of bogans overtaking them and informing them they can’t drive for shit.

After 4 hours on the poker table, Chung Pen (Wallace) takes her back to his Honda Civic. The transformer’s sticker on the back and the illuminating shit under his car made her wetter than the filling of a xiao long bao dumpling. She was about to live her life 3 ¼ inches at a time. His finger, you racist fucks.

Before she could let him toss her wok though she needed to follow a strict procedure. Firstly, inform every Caucasian yellow fever creeper on her messenger that she would no longer be catching up for bubble tea with them, and secondly, Wallace had to meet the parents.

At first, Jenny’s parents look at him like a Japanese war criminal. Her father turns to her mother, ‘ta chuanzhuo xiang yige pengke!” But to their surprise, Wallace speaks good mando and politely informs him that while he may have some western swag, he is in fact, a doctor.

He has passed the test. The couple celebrate with a night with karaoke and having a good old noodle-squat for dinner. Alas, they couldn’t consummate the relationship until Wallace’s parents gave their nod of approval.

“Curtin Uni? No wonder you had to settle for our shameful son, you know he had to go through bio-med at Notre SHAME to make it into medicine?”

Wallace flexes like Bruce Li busting for a shit during take off on an airplane. His father continues the shame-a-thon, “you know, he also just want to be GP! HA”. Humiliations aside, they are allocated the top half of Wallace’s house, where he finally gets to thrust his straw into her sago.

She can now put her silly dreams of engineering aside, and focus on cooking more rice than a Napalmed rice paddy. Wait that’s Vietnam, not that you people would know the difference until you’re getting shanked by a Nguyen in Northbridge over a drug deal.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?