The Perth Sneakerhead

Zhang aka “Wilfred” had tiger parents fiercer than a hungry Dustin Martin with a faulty pair of chopsticks. Sadly, he never scored the marks to kick the goals in life that would see him in the operating room.

Desperate to have his father make eye-contact with him again he set out to make his own fortune in the sketchy world of reselling limited release sneakers for profits so great a horde of Mongols would try and scale them.

In the early days, his business model was as primitive and ridiculous as Pete Evan’s dinner plate. Camping outside shoe stores to ensure he was first in line to buy the latest in Hypebeast footwear. Or worse, spending a day waiting for a lotto ticket to get a chance to buy a pair, like Willy Wanker and the Golden Waste of Fucking Time.

Why? Well, the Hypebeast movement saw niche fashion labels put their name next to relevant sneaker brands like a washed-up boxer hoping to make a payday to settle a domestic violence lawsuit. The result: hype.

In the end, rich white boys got a chance to feel like west coast rappers and men like Wilfred built a shoe reselling empire. Over time, the money to be made couldn’t be ignored, and the scenes outside DC Shoes & Highs & Lows began to resemble a humanitarian refugee crisis.

As Wilfred was selling the latest releases for thrice the price, he decided to enlist Perth’s cheapest cunts on Airtasker to take his spot in the queue while he would spend his time posing for a gram photo in his new Yeezys and wait for some Christchurch silver spoon-ling to blow his Granddaddy’s inheritance on them.

One day, one of Wilfred’s stinking rich relatives in China sends him a real treat. A pair of Supreme x Louis Vuitton sneakers for his birthday. $1300 of pure, unadulterated consumerism gone mental. Wilfred eyes off one of his biggest paydays yet, he posts on a Perth sneakerhead’s group:

“Just copped the Supreme x LVs, 10/10 condition, legit, $3900”

Well, the post gets swarmed on like an unwashed poon in a shark feeding frenzy. The ocean of offers was churning with sausage-dog level low-ballers and more scammy requests for Western Union transfers than a Nigerian Prince’s outbox.

These kicks were out of most Aussie kid’s leagues. However, one man steps forward, Wang Wei aka “Kevin”, an aspiring doctor and beneficiary of mainland wealth. He has a date with a babe who used to fuck a Singaporean with a Skyline R34 GTR, so he needed a trump card.

He wears the kicks for one night and keeps them so pristine that the only sweat on them would likely be from the shop they were made in. The next day he posts on another Sneakerhead group, “new Supreme X LVs, worn once, 10/10 condition, $4500”.

It’s the circle of sneaker life.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?