You Smash Through the Front of Houses
The 20 minute drive home from work is like Mad Max Fury Road, except instead of lining your mouth with silver chrome you prefer the sweet drippings from a four pack of 8% Woodstocks at smoko, and instead of us witnessing you drive into the gates of Cunt-hala, we witness you drive through the front of a fucking house.
A bit of a water baby? Well, you’re probably part of the growing number of driving/Farmville multi-taskers who prefer to drive into the river and get wetter than an Aussie journo with a Schapelle shaped dildo.
Trademark parking skills
Your job isn’t done when your car is kinda in the park, your job is done when you’ve prevented someone else parking next to you or caused a rage incident. You are also free to avoid reverse parallel parking unless of course, you have 0 idea what you are doing and you decide to shoot your shot on a busy road.
Remeber, as a general rule to park in Perth – courtesy is weakness.
You Live Your Life ¼ Mile at a Time
The best thing about Perth’s low density roads is you don’t have to travel far to find a perfect location to drive like a fucking dickhead. Jesus, you don’t even own your car yet, and the misso told you she was leaving if you spent your last pay on yet another set of tyres. Come on fucko, your kid needs a school uniform!
See above? That is all the bullshit you are going to hear from haters. Fuck ‘em man, your last vertically orientated burnout video you filmed in O’Connor was SICK and it gained you serious respect in the rev-head community. That is important to some people. Do it for Paul Walker man.
When it Rains it Pours
Nothing completely halts the flow of traffic in Perth quite like a light drizzle. It is imperative that you see that first drop of rain you immediately cut 20kph off your speedometer and turn corners at a pace that would require time lapse photography to capture.
Despite all this extra caution there will still be havoc. In fact the freeways will inevitably come to resemble a vehicular version of the human centipede, so you’d better enjoy eating shit.
You Ain’t No Leftie
Many Perth drivers think “the keep left rule” is just a guideline Waleed Aly abides by when writing monologues and in no way an actual road rule that they indicated they understood when obtaining their licence.
God help you if you run afoul of this law. You see, the Perth community will gladly contribute to FB pages that help you dodge speed cameras and booze buses, but should your “failing to keep left” infringement be posted by the police in their baffling quest for viral fame, you are going to hear about it.
Heck, Barry Big Balls will even caps lock some threats about running you off the road next time. We ain’t playin’.
Merge so Hard Ma’Fuckers Wanna Fine You
It is best to consider the Perth road system like it’s a prison. If you let one donut merge in front of you, then you have shown weakness, and you will get merged on like the little bitch you are.
The first order of business when you hit the bitumen is to find the staunchest Hilux, merge in on him hard, causing a crash if need be, and then relish in your new status of king of the god damn road.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?