Tail gaiting – there is nothing like a lazy afternoon to zip in and out of lanes in a mad rush to get to the lights slightly quicker than your fellow motorist. However, some days this is simply not enough. After all, you didn’t buy a Ford Ranger to sit meekly behind a driver that is working you up for the sin of doing the speed limit.
Thus you are duty bound by the laws of being an aggro-dick to drive precisely 2cm away from the rear of the car in front of you. No doubt this will motivate them to go faster. Or perhaps brake-check you – in which case you’ll be forced to follow them home and attack them in front of their family. It’s the natural order of the world.
You Smash Through the Front of Houses – the 20 minute drive home from work is like Mad Max Fury Road, except instead of lining your mouth with silver chrome you prefer the sweet drippings from a four pack of 8% Woodstocks at smoko, and instead of us witnessing you drive into the gates of Cunthala, we witness you drive through the front of a damn house.
A bit of a water baby? Well, you’re probably part of the growing number of driving/Farmville multi-taskers who prefer to drive into the river and get wetter than a bus driver’s gooch.
Move like a Ninja – driving is a being a wannabe tough guy who still coward punches, if people know you’re coming than you’re not going to succeed. Use that ape-impotent energy onto the road and never use your headlights in times of poor vision & rain. After all, people should naturally be aware of your presence given you’re the only driver that matters out there, right?
Trademark parking skills – your job isn’t done when your car is kinda in the park, your job is done when you’ve prevented someone else parking next to you or caused a rage incident. You are also free to avoid reverse parallel parking unless of course, you have 0 idea what you are doing and you decide to shoot your shot on a busy road. Remember, as a general rule to park in Perth – courtesy is weakness.
You Live Your Life ¼ Mile at a Time – the best thing about Perth’s low density roads is you don’t have to travel far to find a perfect location to drive like a prick. Jesus, you don’t even own your car yet, and the misso told you she was leaving if you spent your last pay on yet another set of tyres. Come on bro, your kid needs a school uniform!
See above? That is all the bullshit you are going to hear from haters. Bugger ‘em man, your last vertically orientated burnout video you filmed in O’Connor was SICK and it gained you serious respect in the rev-head community. That is important to some people. Do it for Paul Walker man.
When it Rains it Pours – nothing completely halts the flow of traffic in Perth quite like a light drizzle. It is imperative that you see that first drop of rain you immediately cut 20kph off your speedometer and turn corners at a pace that would require time lapse photography to capture.
Despite all this extra caution there will still be havoc. In fact the freeways will inevitably come to resemble a vehicular version of the human centipede, so you’d better enjoy eating shit.
You Ain’t No Leftie – many Perth drivers think “the keep left rule” is just a guideline Waleed Aly abides by when writing monologues and in no way an actual road rule that they indicated they understood when obtaining their licence.
God help you if you run afoul of this law. You see, the Perth community will gladly contribute to FB pages that help you dodge speed cameras and booze buses, but should your “failing to keep left” infringement be posted by the police in their baffling quest for viral fame, you are going to hear about it. Heck, Barry Big Balls will even caps lock some threats about running you off the road next time. We ain’t playin’.
Merge so Hard Ma’Farkers Wanna Fine You – It is best to consider the Perth road system like it’s a prison. If you let one donut merge in front of you, then you have shown weakness, and you will get merged on like the little bitch you are.
The first order of business when you hit the bitumen is to find the staunchest Hilux, merge in on him hard, causing a crash if need be, and then relish in your new status of king of the god damn road.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?