In 2013, Jaimee was feeling like a bit of a loser. At the tender age of 26, she still had at least 40 years until retirement. That was until she started filling her cup with the sugary promise of residual income: Isagenix.
After attending a Wellness Wednesday seminar she was a self-made, Isagenix superstar. It could be argued that she was the same loser she was last Wednesday, but would a loser flog diet supplements to the fat girls from her school over Facebook messenger? Not likely!
By the summer of 2014, Jaimee was hosting her own seminars and was racking up more residuals than Charlie Sheen’s coffee table. $150 a week in cold, hard cash – and all it took was 50 FB posts a day and behaviour that bordered on harassment – not that her grandma would ever report her though.
You could be forgiven for thinking you haven’t heard from Jaimee because she is jet-setting around the globe on private jets and sipping champagne with real stars. How could you not? She used the hashtag #retireby30 every day for a year. In reality, that’s not where she ended up.
by mid-2015, society had wisened and Jaimee copped a huge blow to her net wealth. Her $150 a week killing had reduced to a measly $75. Mostly because grandma had to go on dialysis, but mainly
Jaimee didn’t take the collapse of her empire well, and in a last-ditch attempt to become an Isa-Queen, she invested all she had left in the program. $341.50 – it was a big vag move, by the meatiest flaps on the Isa-circuit.
It would be unfair to say this was a total waste of $341.50, as the boxes of shit made excellent substitutes for furniture that she couldn’t afford. Alas, it would probably be easier to sell day light savings to a boomer.
Oh, how the mighty had fallen, Jaimee was forced to do the unthinkable – use one of the Isagenix boxes as a table while she looked for a job. The horror.
She came dangerously close to be unsuccessful when the Dome invited her for an interview. Fortunately, the universe intervened and set her back on the path of being a self-made boss – she saw another waste of space from her high school posting bikini photos on Instagram. She knew what she had to do, she was to become an influencer!
She traded in bottles of liquid that didn’t do shit, for liquid that made you need to shit. Jaimee is now commanding up to $0 a post to pretend to be a skinny tea ambassador on Instagram. We asked if she had any advice for young hustlers:
“Just buy a 2 month supply of Tea4tummies using my special promo code and receive…” *interview terminated* Shut the fark up Jaimee.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
