Yes, Darling: Hosting the In laws

My daughter, bless her soul, married a young man from Dalkeith. It was certainly a turbulent time in my life when she told me about Jacob but she insisted against all my good advice. You see I could smell the stench of merit-based employment all over him. I refused to meet the family for a few years after the marriage but they wore me down. I had to double my Xanax prescription darling just at the thought of seeing these uncultured swine.  

When hosting your in-laws of lower class it is important to take certain precautions.


I place the utmost importance on the calibre of visitor to my chateau darling.

If you must let these leeches into your home you must take certain provisions. First of all, have two disposable doormats, the first to wipe their disgusting shoes, the second to wipe their disgusting feet. Have them leave their shoes well outside your door, I recommend at least a 5 metre radius. As they enter your home have them put on disposable plastic foot coverings. The last preparatory step is the acceptance of their crude “presents”. They will think their plebbish taste in wine and chocolate is sophisticated, darling. You can throw these away.    

Protecting the Goods

It is absolutely essential that you protect your fine china, 10,000 thread count Egyptian cotton towels and emperor penguin feather throw pillows. If you want to take a risk, buy thick plastic coverings for all your furniture. If you truly are worried about your leather babies have them stored properly and new temporary furniture installed for the night. I recently discovered the existence of an outlet called KayMart. Quite the novelty. They sell everything, darling. You cannot take any risks with these animals. Have the help buy two of everything.

Establishing hierarchy

Obviously, you will have your beautiful antique serf bone and wagyu leather chair, but you’ll need a sliding scale of chair quality, darling. You need to separate the castes. Ensure your daughter’s husband’s chair is almost unusable, darling. A small plastic chair is best. Also, ensure he sits near the kitchen so he can wash the dishes, he is of that ilk after all. Obviously, you will get your domestics to wash them again later darling.


The beauty of my lifestyle darling is that I am forever renovating. This means there are always outside lavatories for the tradesmen. These are perfect for your unwashed guests. Obviously, keep them out of sight and off the property darling. If they insist on using the inside toilets, you are prepared. You have removed your finest towels and soaps from the south of France. When they return from the lavatory, enquire in front of everyone that they have washed their hands. Obviously, on the disposable hand towels and soap your people have bought for the night.

I don’t need your charity darling, but should you wish to donate to the revival of the emperor penguin feather trade, please do…