Mr American Gun Control

When it comes to the US mass shooting epidemic, Kyle is like an unlicensed plumber you’d find on Gumtree: he may not know how to fix it, but that sure as fuck won’t stop him quoting some bullshit. 

On the day of the shooting, Kyle knows he needs to approach the massacre with sensitivity. Now don’t mistake his “thoughts and prayers” status for a sincere display of his condolences, it is merely the courtesy application of lube to the all-out opinionated fuckfest that is to come in the upcoming days. 

His first order of business is to make more noise in the Aussie gun control echo chamber by claiming almost personal credit for Johnny Howard’s actions after the Port Arthur massacre, “America could learn a lot from us, look how effective the firearm amnesty was, it’s common sense”. Somehow, his foundation rocking message isn’t heard by even one American legislator.

Hours pass and he can’t help to feel the focus of this international news story is drifting away from his profound statement about Australia’s gun safety record. He decides to pull out the big guns that every Aussie seems to be armed with: the ability to pass off Jim Jefferies’ comedy special as his own observations.

He makes Jefferiesque calls about the effect banning guns would have on the price of firearms, he Jims the fuck out of the point that guns cannot be for self-defence if they are required to be in locked cabinets and he goes Legit when he confirms that when the constitution was drafted the muskets took 20 minutes to load and fire. Mic fucking drop. 

His high caliber truth bullets are hitting target after target as he reloads the ego-zine with the likes he is getting from fellow Australians. Not content with just lecturing the States on how violent they are, he also has a swipe at how racist they are. 

Like an identity politician on a podium of patronisation, he goes on about how the American media focus on “mental illness” rather than “terrorism” given the shooter was a white male. Bet you’ve never heard someone make that point before.

Nevertheless, pouring the jet fuel of social progressiveness really melts the feels beam of every like-minded individual that follows him. Like a Las Vegas paramedic he is healing the wounds of American hate, one insincere Facebook update at a time. 

The smoke has barely cleared from the red-hot barrel of his brilliance before he dives into Reddit to argue with real Americans about their insane conspiracy theories. His non-existent training in the SAS has given him the perfect vantage point to pick off their “strawman arguments” and “logical fallacies”. It’s like shooting candy from a baby. 

Sounds like he has all the hallmarks of an impassioned anti-NRA advocate right? He is probably going to go on and do a world of good in the US congress yeh? Wrong, in a week he will have forgotten about it all and re-aligned his scope on another target: the horse racing industry he suddenly remembers he hates so much.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?