To help Perth residents properly prepare for the “catastrophic” consequences of storms, the Bureau of Meteorology has made a move to reclassify storms from 1-to 5. With 1 being the lowest risk of losing your unsecured shit and 5 being the highest risk of doing so.
A spokesperson for the BoM told The Times,
“Clearly, we have a problem with the media taking our storm warnings and making them sound like the end of days every time. It’s a boy crying wolf situation. So we have had to cut through the noise and give the people of Perth a storm category system that will resonate with them”
In the lowest category, your trampoline is all but assured to remain in your backyard save for some freak, localised whirlwind of impressive power.
In the highest category, your trampoline is almost assured to end up on a neighbour’s roof 3 suburbs over unless you take measures to secure it.
Ultimately, if you don’t want your disgusting children nagging you until X-Mas for another trampoline you’ll heed the warning and strap it down.
A recently trampoline-less punter from Canning Vale was shocked to walk outside this morning to see the piece of shit they wasted an entire Boxing Day constructing to be missing. He told The Times,
“You see the stories every storm but you never think it’s going to be you. You just think, yeah righto another once in 10,000 year storm of the week and all you expect is to see the plastic chair rebuild meme. I’m spewin’ mate, that trampoline did a lot of the heavy lifting in my parental supervisory duties”
A Cannington resident who spend the morning getting a trampoline off his roof said the new categories were “well needed” and it’s about time the people of Perth woke up to the risk. He continued,
“Do you realise how much of a pain in the anoos it is to get a full sized trampoline off your roof? Not to mention the tile damage. On the bright side, I have a trampoline now I guess”
BoM said that while the warnings would focus on trampolines, one could reasonably expect the warnings to relate to gazebos, blow up swimming pools and marquees.
They are working on a slogan, which at the moment is “strap it down you clown”. Which may come off a little aggressive for a weather agency.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
