A Guide to Becoming a Cyclist

1. Dress to Impress – Not having a lucrative endorsement is not a barrier to dressing like you do. Basically, plain lycra is the HIV of road fashion but shit with sponsorship all over is the full-blown AIDS, and as a cyclist, you never do things in halves.

Be warned though, before your cycling rig has been perfectly moulded you may resemble that blueberry porker from Willy Wanka’s Chocolate Factory. Stuff it though, it’s not YOUR eyes that will be burning. 

2. Road Etiquette  – Remember it like tittyfucking, to best ride abreast you should stay right in the middle. Not only will you slow the raging traffic to a cycle-friendly pace but you will be able to conduct loud conversations about how important a professional you are with your “peloton”.

Also, be selective with which road laws you choose to follow, you are not some lumbersome road cow, you are a mighty bull so charge those reds. 

3. Cafe Culture – The natural habitat of the road cyclist is the entire alfresco area of your local cafe. Don’t be put off by non-cyclists attitudes, their stink-eyes have nothing on the snail trail of crack, gooch and ball sweat you will smear across their shirt as you squeeze past to order your unearned flat white.

As for your bikes, just leave them anywhere, give pedestrians a taste of that flow control you like to administer on the road. 

4. Embrace your inner tap dance – In a past life, you must’ve been Fred Astaire because you tappity tap like a FIFO around a skimpy with pay-pass on her g-banger. Never mind the fact you never get enough speed to need clip-on shoes, you should wear them proudly anyway and treat society to the aural equivalent of a meth’d up sloth having a seizure on the floorboards of public decorum

5. Film It – Nothing validates your victim complex quite like uploading hours of heavily edited GoPro footage of angry drivers losing their shit at you.

To be fair, Perth drivers almost kill us all, so don’t think you are special or unique. However, do edit out the footage of you flipping ‘em off and subsequently fly-kicking their side mirror off like Liu Kang in a Mortal Cuntbat bike-ality finisher. Flawless victory.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?