Mr Bitcoin Investor

In 2009 Bitcoin was released, and thanks mostly to mankind’s desire to get farked up without having to meet some sketchy drug dealer in a car park, the cryptocurrency took off like a man after a succulent Chinese meal.

The tech-savvy nerds flocked to the currency like it was a limited edition Princess Leia figurine with extra big tids, paying fark-all per Bitcoin.

It’s been a bumpy ride through the asteroid field but anyone who managed not to blow their stash on internet-drugs is sitting pretty. They are worth roughly $40k US each. Stick that in your Millennium Falcon and hyper blast it.

However, given the emergence of competing cryptocurrencies and the ever-looming threat of regulatory-cuckery, bitcoin is a bit like the office receptionist after her 6th vino at the Chrissy party: unstable but if you play your cards right you can still get lucky.

Of course, 40K is only good if you didn’t buy at $50k. A lesson Robbo has failed to learn at every stage of his BTC investment empire.

Nevertheless, the ‘Rona has the world stock exchanges by the feet and dangling over the precarious toilet bowl of uncertainty. Now more than ever is time to think outside the toolbox to invest your money.

So how do rich, slimy investors earn some quick cash from their investments? Well, three words: “Free Financial Seminar”, the irresistible honey that attracts the cashed-up WA bogan-flies.

After one seminar run by an Armani suited puddle of grease, Robbo is a bonafide cryptocurrency broker. He returns from his week off in Perth to talk endlessly about “blockchains”, “Coinjar wallets” and other shit he doesn’t really understand.

“Mate, making coin hand over fist ay, a grand a day no farken worries. Bittos are down but ya just buy the dip ay, sky is the limit, probably quit this shit soon and become a broker, get around me”.

He conveniently left out the fact Bitcoin was for the ballsy investor as it had a habit of being as volatile as a tourist’s arsehole after some “satay” in Bali. That doesn’t stop Robbo buying high though. Buy high, sell low right?

For a week Robbo was the Bitcoin king of the Pilbara, that was until others quenched their thirst from the Oasis of free seminars. Suddenly, a young apprentice hotshot called Tomothee was preaching the benefits of ETH in the wet mess, “ETH has much more room to move than BTC”.

Well, there was one market force that Tomothee didn’t see coming, Robbo’s fist to his face. Like the javelin in a bull market, Robbo cuts through the fat, “cunts should be buying Bitcoin orright? ETH has a shit Al Gore Rhythm or some shit”.

It’s amazing how the people who talk loudest about being investment kings are always the wankers stuck doing the same job as you.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?