Mr David “Avocado” Wolfe

Sara messages the Avocado because she is a fan of the memes he makes that say the kind of things you’d expect to be smeared in human faeces in the cell of Charles Manson while he’s on acid.

Sara meets an unblinking Avocado at an eatery, “OMG I love your curls, Dave”.

The Avocado composes himself, “It’s David, and yes, the only product in the world that has Chakra-enhancing microbes is the Wolfe brand hair curling wand, available from my website. My hair is level 7”.

She takes a seat while the Avocado examines her. “Your flat breasts and butt remind me of the Earth, I like that”. Sara looks confused, “haha good one Dave”.

The Avocado looks irritated, “Its David, and you have much to learn, big Pharma wants you to believe the Earth is round so they can sell you toxic sunscreen. If not why are we all not rolling? See?”

He continues to woo his prey, I mean date, “I can tell that you are not vaccinated m’lady”. She nods ecstatically, “of course not messiah, but how can you tell?” He smirks, “because you are not an autistic corpse ha ha, a little joke we have at Avocado HQ”. She orgasms three times.

While ordering, the Avocado only permits her to have a side dish of mushrooms as he has brought his own container full of Earthling-Fuel, available this May from his website. Everything else has GMOs, he can smell it.

“You know Sara, mushrooms contain alien DNA, they are from a place elsewhere to us. We must first praise Memela before consuming their flesh.”

After dinner, the Avocado has a proposal, “how about you come back to my den and we can couple our genitals while hanging upside down, I’ll fuck that toxic gravity right out of your liver and you’ll cum anti-arthritis eons?”

Before getting her to do some upside downward dog, he must complete his complicated ritual for obtaining an erection. Why complicated? Because his body is so nutrient deprived, he makes the West African coast look like the Sizzler salad bar.

First, he rubs some pure cacao on his balls, as chocolate is an octave of the sun he needs his little man to salute to. Next is a liberal dousing of deer antler spray (available on his website). The only substance known to man that is “levitational” in its nature (FACT).

BOOM. His chakra burst through his hemp jocks. They hang upside down, and the Avocado makes them face Atlantis. His dirty talk is unorthodox, “tell me Carl Sagan is a science-faggot baby”, “I’m going to fist you like Big Pharma is fisting the Ethiopian Chia farmers”, “share my meme!”.

Oh shit, her mobile phone goes off during the genital coupling. He stops mid-pump and pulls out a taser-like device (available on his website), “I can’t believe you gave me cancer, here you need to send at least 350 Wolfe-amps of electro-cado through my central chakra NOW”.

Thank god, the waves of electricity cure his cancer he just got from her mobile ringing, and he howls into the night as he ejaculates his “soul spunk”, which he claims is 98% goji berry and can cure leukaemia.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?