Mr “I’m Gonna Send It”

It was a cold Saturday morning that Jai’s misso gave him the ultimatum – it’s either sending it or me. Jai had faint memories of sending it over her mum’s outdoor setting causing massive damage to the glass top. He looks her in the eyes and promises her his sending days were over. 

After the touching moment, Jai walks into the living room to see one of his scaly mates playing sweet music on the Gatorade saxophone. He stops donkey coughing to peer down at Jai’s boots sitting on the floor next to the couch, “oi send it bruz”.

Jai looks at his nervous girlfriend, “this is who I am, babe”, before performing a perfect flip over the couch to come painfully close to landing his feet in his boots. Alas, the coffee table wasn’t so lucky, laying in disarray. 

“Get out ya farken idiot, we’re done!”Jai hasn’t got time for this negative energy anyway. Take him as he is or don’t take him at all. He herds up his deadshit mate and starts up his Patrol. The sun is shining and Jai has a feeling the world is going to have to sign for a few pack-yew-ges he’s about to send. 

Approaching the bottlo, Jai spots a little grass mound that he reckons he can get some air off. He immediately takes off his shirt and instructs his mate to get out and film it. All goes to plan except a seatbelt-less Jai smacking his head against the windscreen and a passing cop noticing. 

Mild concussion and a cheeky dangerous driving charge. All in the day’s work for Jai. He has no regrets as he proceeds to a little Saturday drinks sesh with da boyz. He walks in and they are balls deep in watching reckless fishing & 4WD-related videos. There is a real sense of sendtainment in the air. 

Seeing as Jai is sending his emotions through a breakup, he has no time for regular one-vessel beverage consumption. There’s only one ticket for the ride he’s taking – funnelling 3 Cruisers at a time. It’s not long until he’s sloppier than the Colonel’s zinger burger after deciding to spice up his wank life one lonely evening at the ranch. 

His mate asks him if he wants a tattoo done. Jai doesn’t even need to think about it and gleefully agrees to a crude peen being permanently inked on his calf. He’s never going to regret that. 

Every minute of Jai’s actions are being broadcasted straight to social media stories. Again, he’s never going to regret that. In fact, he’s getting lots of replies calling him a madcunt which, to a man like Jai, is the most powerful substance known to man.

By the arvo, the group is absolutely steaming and feel the overall property damage around the backyard has failed to meet their lofty expectations. Jai has the medicine though. He asks whether his mate has the keys to his housemate’s scooter. 

Jai has never liked the dude ever since he asked him to buy him new bedsheets after Jai shat himself in his bed a few months ago. Why couldn’t this guy just appreciate the full mudslide send? It was a work of art. 

Jai focuses on the task at hand. It’s a very simple formula. A small wooden ramp, dicknut’s scooter and a pool. In true Jai form, he removes all his clothes for the stunt and the atmosphere in the yard is palpable. 

It’s a majestic display, losing control before the ramp and sending the scooter into the pool and his own face directly into the wooden board. It’s instantly uploaded to as many social media feeds as possible and Jai proudly shows off his Dolmio grin. 

He’s living large for a man with about $50 to his name. Nevertheless, emergency dental work: $2000, new scooter: $4000, impressing a bunch of drongos by sending it? Priceless. Somethings, money can’t buy for everything else, there’s mastercunt. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?