Ms. Canggu Bali

For Tiffany, the most important part of a Bali holiday is making sure her social media following thinks it’s a paid influencer, modelling bullshit kinda thing.

And to say she isn’t sponsored would be disingenuous. Sure, Zimmerman isn’t footing the bill but some roided-up king of suspended sentences sure is. He splits his time between Bali getting tattooed and police interrogation rooms for suspicious deliveries from the dark web.

See, Tiffany has a particular set of skills. Skills developed over a very short career. Skills that make her a nightmare for basic bitches like you. What are those skills?

Mostly throwing @’s into her social media posts and having an encyclopaedic knowledge of filters and photo editing apps to make her photos look somewhat pro. Checkmate, basics.

On her first day, Tiffany gets to work on her brand as a digital nomad, gypsie, bohocunt. To that end, it has got to be some shots of her looking into the distance at Canggu Beach accompanied by some half-cocked whimsical quote about winning at life despite not earning enough to pay any tax for the last 5 years straight. 

After the nature shots, it’s on to Alternative Beach to farm as much idyllic pool content as humanly possible. She gets her rock-ape to take snaps of her while she masterfully crafts her next caption,

“If I could give my younger self some advice, I’d tell her to stress less, you’ll be crushin’ it one day hehe. If only 15 year old me knew the life I would be living. Follow your dreams kids #donealright #influencinginfluencers #zimmerman #canggu #bali #hustleculture #madeintheshade #killingit #boss”

Next on the agenda, riding on the back of Captain Air Max’s scooter while selfie sticking their way around Canggu. This is to give off the illusion they are young, free, and wild. Rather than repeatedly stopping to check the footage to see if it needs to be redone. Really living in the moment there Tiff.

As the sun sets, it’s time to party. Her cocktail-fuelled screeching makes some of the local bird life want to put in a noise complaint. Now while she’s not a celebrity based on any meaningful metric, you can’t say she doesn’t do her best to act the part – treating everyone around her like total shit. 

Of course, the footage of her berating island staff and having a tantrum when a fellow influencer wouldn’t get out of the way for a bathroom photoshoot never made the socials cut. Funny that. 

She wakes up as hung as a bull on a warm day. Crippling regret flows through her but she has the remedy. A little IG live session answering questions that no one has ever asked her in their life, “people ask me all the time, how does your skin look so fresh on holiday?”

Well, let’s just say that maybe, she ain’t born with it. Narcissistic ranting aside, it’s time for the crown jewel on the Canggu influencer tiara – the floating breakfast spread in the pool. If one misses this shot they may as well pack it in and fark off home. 

It’s a roaring success and the 16 year olds following her IG shower her with praise for living her best life. It’s all she can ask for on a holiday. What’s next? Going to sacred Balinese sights and disgracing herself of course. 

After all, you have to crack a few culturally insensitive eggs to make a Bali influencer omelette. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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