Ms Perth Boat Hoe

In the Perth summer, children of boat owners rule like majestic kings over their aquatically challenged peasantry.

One such peasant is Cherie, an aspiring social influencer who needs a few luxury bikini shots to get one step closer to the sweet embrace of skinny tea ambassadorship.

Desperate to get on a boat this weekend she FB messages the unfriendly neighbourhood millionaire’s son. A kid who poltergeist-crawled out of his mother’s gin infused womb only to be mistaken for the placenta.

She knows that to access this reptile’s floating terrarium, she must sink as low as her current Instagram follower count. “OMG that video of you throwing a Macca’s coke on that hobo was so funny 😉 x”

He replies with a shirtless gym selfie and the sunnies emoji aka the official emoji of the guy who sprays cologne on his cock and is always a few years deep into your photo gallery. “Keen for a little water party this w/e babe?”

As dozens of boat hoes roll in, the East Freo Yacht club starts resembling a stripper-ridden Barrack St Jetty before a yew-tacular buck’s cruise. Cherie ignores the other wannabes as she fixes her makeup and protects the $400 haircut she copped just for the occasion.

As they set sail for Rotto, she begins her photoshoot. To be original, she does what every other girl on the boat is doing and poses with a Champagne bottle and a captain’s hat. Nailed it.

Alas, her Titanic-ambitions hit a massive cunt-berg when the millionaire’s son decides to bond with Cherie over the very anecdote that brought them together. As she carefully positions her selfie stick, he unloads a mighty bucket of water all over her. “Pranked ya bro!”

Her makeup and hair are fucked as she drowns in a puddle of her own vanity. Of the 430 photos she took already, no one is good enough. Her entire day has been ruined.

Needless to say, she gives the millionaire’s son the angriest wristy of his life. After all, it’s a long summer, and she has a hole in her ego that only his big, throbbing boat can fill.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?