The Social Media Nutritionist

Liz’s rise to influencer fame has been rocky at best. Initially, she tried to plug beauty regimes, but nobody cared about her when she put on the facial mask. Next, she dabbled in exercise but as it turns out there are quite a few people who know quite a lot more about exercise than her. So, #cleaneating it is.

She clears all the filth from her Instagram page like it was a 15-year old’s web browser history and reinvents herself as a bubbly nutritional guru in an introductory video:

“Hey, guys! Don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel and follow me on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter he he. Join me to learn how abs are made in the kitchen, not just the gym. First video dropping soon! Eat clean, live clean!”

To be fair, she’s already on her way as she did give quite a few of her contacts a good ab workout from laughing at the staggering bullshit coming from her mouth. She may eat clean for the duration of an Insta video, but on the weekends her body is a periodic table of chemicals that she gleefully snorts off of toilet seats and shit. Clean.

Now, one cannot simply “drop” a recipe video willy-nilly. First, she needs to patronise the shit out of you by giving you an insta-story tutorial on how to go fucking shopping. She bravely ventures forth like the Lara Croft of the fruit & veg section and regurgitates ripeness information while foraging for wild berries in the berry section. Foundation rocking.

Next, she lays out all the produce she put on father’s AMEX on her parent’s kitchen bench. She makes sure the Chobani yoghurt tub clearly visible, as her next step is to pretend she has an endorsement by the company:

“A lot of people ask me which yoghurt is best, I always go @chobani, no other yoghurt has the same mix of essential probiotics for gut health, guys, never skimp on quality.”

Stop the lies, no one has ever asked you shit Liz.

She changes into her @Lululemon wear, does her makeup and films herself revealing the nutritional properties of Acai, bananas, strawberries a scoop of @muscletech protein powder, @chobai yoghurt and then showing the complexities of putting said ingredients into a bowl stylistically.

Congratulations, if you are still watching you have just spent 10 minutes of your day watching the magic of somebody buy, make and eat a bowl of fucking fruit.

Although a good cunt-ician never reveals her secrets, so the tutorial video conveniently excludes how much sugar is in the bowl or the part where scoffs a handful of laxatives to guarantee those abs.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?