1. Women’s Fashion

Pick a dress that will make you look as hot as when you enter as when you are filmed slopping around the grass and flashing your minge like it had just seen a speed camera. Remember to choose a pretty floral fascinator too, as flowers bloom best on top of the pile of human manure you will so closely resemble by the end of the day.

2. Men’s Fashion

Don’t own a suit? Don’t stress, your brother is unlikely to need his while he’s in prison. Doesn’t fit well? Again, chill, it’s all about the accessories. Our top accessorising tip is to remember it like your immigration stance: you can’t go wrong with white. “Leather” slip-ons from Betts, your favourite Volcom skate belt and the old “Boom Town Crown” – white Oakleys on top of your noggin. 

3. Having a Punt 

Your parents spent shitloads raising you, so now it’s your turn to pump money into something that will probably end up in bitter disappointment: horse racing. Ignore those pesky voices saying it’s irresponsible to overdraw your account to bet on a horse just because you like its name. If you do manage to win, make sure you post a pic on social media of your winning ticket with the barcode fully visible. Let others join in on your fun. 

4. Standards of Behaviour 

In Australia, we like to peer pressure each other to drink like we were Harvey Weinstein bar-tending at a 21st, and that’s just on a normal weekend. At the races, you are expected to step it up a notch and get as wasted as taxpayer’s money on the NBN network. So drink until you have the composure of a newly birthed giraffe, piss anywhere you please and if you’re feeling extra frisky, push a cop over on live television. 

5. Boycotting 

Don’t feel like getting your snout in the formal-wear pig trough described above? Well, have fun from home by suddenly remembering you actually give a fuck about horses and start your annual boycott-Melbourne Cup campaign with a few posts on social media. Don’t be put off by the “haters”, your once-a-year preaching accomplishes far more than actual activism ever could.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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