President Trump has announced that anyone wishing to import absolute units will need to pay a hefty 24% tariff insisting the domestic absolute unit market needs to be protected.
The tariff comes as the President also announced visas to America may be denied for tourists who suffer from health conditions such as obesity or cardiovascular disease – common ailments of the big feller demographic.
In a statement provided directly to The Times, the President said,
“America has the greatest land whales on the planet! People always tell me that, they say, Mr President, your population is so fat! They do. That’s because we win! We don’t need to import heavy-hitters from shithole countries! Make American Cankles Great Again!”
The move comes in part due to the farcical nature of the US health system but also the rising cost of food across the globe. As one analyst put it,
“The US buffet index is a recession indicator and as it currently stands Americans are paying far more for their usual serving of 7-10 plates of fried garbage. If they don’t protect their own market then this could blow out, excuse the pun”
The tariff will come into place by the end of the month so expect the costs to be put back onto the consumer.
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