5:00 am – I always start my day with a little plumbing emergency of my own to remind me of why I’m in this business. After mother-birding the afterwork of a 10 pack of double Jacks and two late night meatboxes I grab my spew mop and clear the blockage. Still got it.
5:30 am – I sit in my driveway idling my noisy fkn Triton while taking the edge off by pulling a Gatorade billy and coughing my ‘ole up. Drive off with a few powerful revs just to make sure I haven’t left anyone on my street in the sweet embrace of slumber.
6:00 am – arrive at site still shoving a cheese sausage in my gob. I spot the apprenno and make sure everyone can see me simulating what he did with the boyfriend (that I tell everyone he’s got) last night. Everyone fkn laughs cos I never miss.
6:30 am – I oversee my apprenno digging while I regale him with stories of how many bigger holes I’ve dug, way faster and in more severe weather. He makes a smartarse comment about why I can’t use those award-winning hole digging skills to help with this job. I consider throttling him with an adjustable wrench.
9:00 am – I can tell his weak manlet arms are getting tired so I tell him to put down the shovel and go pick us up a coupla Roota large boxes. I tell him I’ll be in the Triton having a kip.
9:05 am – no sooner than as I close my eyes I have a flashback of that lady tradie I gave unsolicited advice to at Total Tools the other day. She wanted it. I find my hand on my pork plunger and get to work unclogging a different kind of blockage.
9:15 am – it’s unfortunate the boy had to smell that but he came back a bit early and I love to have me feed in the Triton. I joke with him that he won’t be having a cheese toastie any time soon. He looks crook.
12:00 pm – Some cunny who thinks he’s in charge is getting pissy at me for doing fark all. That’s his opinion and I tell him you don’t use a Ferrari to plough a field. He says I should wake up to myself amongst other slurs.
1:05 pm – I’ve been stewing on the disrespect I was shown and decide to quickly check my bank account, and the figure gives me all the confidence I need to overreact and threaten to fight the bossman if he doesn’t apologise. I don’t need this shit so I tell the boy to put the shovel down, we’re done.
1:30 pm – I convene an emergency meeting with my apprenno at the pub and tell him that the weakdog will come crawling back. I then explain to the boy that plumbing is just an excuse to print money and the only shit you should put up with is in the pipes.
2:30 pm – ha ha the dog does call back talking all this nonsense about breach of contract. I cock my lead and let out an aggressive fart into the phone. I plunge a couple of pineapples out of my wallet and order 2 pints and 2 jack n cokes. I tell the apprenno we’re celebrating now.
5:30 pm – I have reached the “opening up” stage of the arvo and I explain in great detail why the Family Court is wrong, why jet skis are NOT dumb purchases and why the entire economy would collapse if it wasn’t for blokes like me.
5:45 pm – I have managed to fall asleep again leaning against the urinal ha ha. The apprenno tells me to go home advises me my drain snake is still poking out of my pants as I walk back into the bar.
6:30 pm – A bit dazed, I order $100 worth of KFC and go and spend time with my Jet Ski – I tell her she’s the only woman to never leave me.
7:00 pm – luckily the effects of the pub sesh had rendered me incapable of acting out some confusing thoughts I was having about the exhaust pipe.
7:30 pm – I drift to sleep in a bed full of KFC and TAB winnings. Damn it feels good to be a plumber.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?