For decades Kev only ever dined on frozen food like a culinary Eskimo but now, he is cashed up again and can afford a break from getting Steggled six ways to Sunday.

Kev rolls a dart while perusing fancy menus at the Karratha airport. He is planning to take his misso out for a “kutz feed” on his return to civilization. He doesn’t much like all this “fusion-shit” so he decides to go with old faithful – Rookpewwwwl.

Before dinner, Kev primes his palate with a 4 pack of Jack & Coke while slipping into his Mag Court best: black Billabong button-up, O’Neil jeans, Volcom belt and a pair of leather shoes that are so white they make the young Liberals look like Wu-Tang Clan.

He rolls his sleeves up to reveal his LATEESHA forearm tatt and walks down the Kelmscott catwalk flashing all the glamour of the Ascot races general admission toilet. 

At Rockpool, Kev is asked if he would like wine pairing with his tasting menu, “nah mate, fark that, yas give us fark all each time, nah two bottles of ya best Mer-lowwww ay”. The first course arrives at their table and Kev indiscreetly barks, “small as”.

A further 4 courses come out and each time Kev is left dissatisfied with the size of his portions. “What a rip, to think, we only paid $20 for that Wah-gooo in Bali, ay”. 

By dessert, Kev is fully toasted and grabs a waiter by the arm, “look, we paid a shit-load and I’m still starvin’ marvin, reckon yas could do us a steak to go?”

A move that truly glistens with all the class of a neon sign outside of a back street rub n tuggery. His request is denied and Lateesha resorts to the dero diner’s death-blow: the 1-star review.

Kev re-buckles his belt and taps his missus on the rump, “let’s go Teesh, tomorrow we’ll go to Hogs Breath and get a decent sized feed, this place is a joke, I reckon me average turd has bigger chunks of food in it”.

As they storm out, Kev lifts a leg and lets out a 2nd-degree shart, “there’s ya tip”. Teesh remembers why she fell in love with this man.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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