Mr Down South

Adam is planning a trip Down South, but like an impotent male escort, he relies on toys to get people to come.

His weekend warriors toy box contains all the goodies: dad’s 4WD, surfboards, a quad bike and the main attraction, the multi-million dollar beach house that has been in his family for years.

After loading up the Landcruiser, Adam encourages his female passengers to get into their bikinis for a #squadgoals for the Gram:

“Douth sorted, this is how we roll baby #lit #boss #baller #douthdoneright #mybeachousecalls #workhardplayhard #surfsup #adventure #whereyoudratherbe #boysgotthetoys #babes #4WDnation

While it’s frustrating that Adam flaunts all this shit like he owns it, his acquaintances know it’s best to not pollute his very delicate ego-system with the bitter toxin of truth. Fuck it, they’re getting a holiday out of it.

While steaming down Forrest Highway Adam attempts to brush off his disappointment at getting flashed by a camera, “ha! Who gives a shit it’s just money”, which is wankstralian for “daddy will cover that one”.

On the first day, they hit some wineries, and Adam attempts to show off his pedigree by interrupting the winemaker to give his own tasting notes. After impressing exactly nobody he gives the other plebs a taste of his family’s credit card spending power, “buddy, I’ll take two cases of your best, my crew only drinks the best”. Yuck.

Next stop, is Yallingup to get a photo of himself with the surfboard he can’t use in front of waves that he can’t ride. He pontificates on Instagram, “only surfers know the feeling #barrels #yew #fatlip #swell #boardnation #gnar #stoic #localsonly #nokooks”. The photo says more than actually surfing a wave ever could.

The next day Adam decides to show everyone his 4WD skills by taking the rig onto the sand. Like he was hosting an episode of All Aussie Cunt-ventures, Adam neglects to let his tyres down, and within 5 minutes of filming footage of himself beach bashing, he is well and truly bogged.

The tide slowly comes in, and within a few hours, the car is soaked in so much salt that Sarah Jessica Parker might appear to lick it. Unable to do much they abandon the car and Adam retires to one of the rooms in the beach house to inform father of the bad news.

What a player, and you know what they say, there is nothing more balling than getting blasted by your dad for 45 minutes for being a waste of his surname.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?