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Mr Burning Man

When the septic tank of self-delusion overflows everyone cops a whiff; and at this time of year those filling the world with the most shit head to Burning Man.

In life, Dante has had more leg-ups than a polo player and spends half the year travelling and using his inter-generational wealth as a basis for a nauseating brand of life coaching. After all, one man’s trip to get fucked up in the Nevada Desert is another man’s chance to cop unsolicited life advice via Instagram posts.

As is mandatory at Burning Man, he spends most of his time riding around on a vintage bicycle dressed like an extra in the gay porn version of Mad Max: Fury Back Road. Leather chaps, no shirt and a pair of goggles to shield himself from the unrelenting flash of narcissistic selfies popping off every 2.5 seconds, oh and the sand of course. 

He sure as shit didn’t fly halfway across the world not to indulge in a little iPhonesturbation himself, and makes sure he takes a selfie in front of a giant rainbow art installation and then proceeds to commit this crime against wankmanity:

“This chapter of humanity will forever live in my heart, some of us search, when the true spirit of life is to get lost within a movement, a following of kindred souls who embrace the paint strokes the artist misses, don’t be a slave to your life, let your life serve you #burningman#saltyjacks#lostbutfound

After posting several shit-spirational posts, he embraces the true meaning of the festival and becomes the Gurning Man. Minimisation, decommodification, and radical self-expression make way for shrooms, MD and weed; and he spends each day off his tits like the bras of 90% of the female punters. 

By the end of the week, his serotonin is as depleted as the vegetation of the desert itself. Filled with mostly good memories, bar that unfortunate incident with his bowels on day 3 (which was just negativity leaving his body if you ask him), he decides the best way to cheer himself up is to make everyone else want to punch a hole through their phones. 

He posts a selfie with a couple of influencers and goes nuclear with the caption, 

“This has been the best week of my life. I can truly say I have evolved and learned so much about soul-maximisation and leaving nothing behind. As I wash off the dirt from my former body, I will return a fresh man, and I can’t wait to pass on the lessons I’ve been gifted to the world. Always love x #burningman#neednewjocks#guru#newageman#evolved

Come on mate, no.

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