The groupchat can be a helpful tool. It can also be a perfect example of why humans are the least social, social animal on earth.
1. The lurker
The last time this cretin participated in the chat was sometime in 2019. An absolute master of seeing messages and then not responding. Some like to jump on the group chat mattress and get down and dirty, others like to watch from the cupboard like a freak.
2. The liability
Thanks to this animal, opening your group chat in public can be a daunting experience. Who knows what degenerate filth the liability has sourced from the foulest corners of the internet? If your phone gets seized by the police one day, you know who to thank.
3. The member that comes in hot
Like Shakespeare with a severe concussion, this member is always speaking a slightly different language. Mostly due to the fact they engage the group chat when they are in the grips of a particularly heinous bender. Most likely to spot this one at about 3 am.
4. The news breaker
Move over Rick & Sue, there’s a new sheriff in this here town. They offer a truly invaluable service when they update everyone with a few details of half an article they kinda read. Nevertheless, if it wasn’t for these individuals you might have to read the media’s sensationalised horseshit for yourself. The horror!
5. The TL/DR specialist
“Haha”, “👍”, “That’s crazy”, “lol” – you know their arsenal. While you may not always be able to prove it you are 100% positive that this member has not taken the time to read the conversation. At least they are trying to get involved though, unlike the lurker.
6. The meme lord
A true artist, memes are their paint and the group chat, their canvas. You never know what you are going to get with the meme lord, occasionally topical, sometimes dank but always in the place of actually responding to a conversation.
7. The GIF abuser
Much like the meme lord, they like to do their chatting in graphic form. Your conversation is vaguely about ducks? Well here’s a GIF of a duck dancing. SLUM FKN DUNK. It beats actually caring what your friends have to say.
8. The person who wants to see the world burn
A shit-stirrer of the highest order. Perhaps they are bored, perhaps they don’t like you very much but the shit-stirrer is a master of turning a civilised conversation into a long, drawn out argument about the most banal shit possible. They also know their way around a 8 hour self imposed cool off period, just to avoid getting booted.
9. The leak
Group chats operate under a general understanding that what is said in the group chat, stays in the group chat. Most can honour this rule but everyone suspects one member is giving a Powerpoint presentation to their significant other each night about all the big talking points.
10. Your mate
Either an admin makes an executive decision or a member passionately pleads for their mate to be added. Either way, it always goes two ways – instant bonding or a total fkn disaster. There really doesn’t seem to be any in between. “Your mate”, can’t match the energy and will find themselves booted before the sun rises again.
11. The spammer
This member doesn’t let people not responding get in their way of another post. To them, a group chat is just a skip bin to unload every single thought in their stream of consciousness. One can only speculate if they truly expect everyone to read those 28 YouTube videoes they sent on eating bugs.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
