Tobz would like people to think he is travelling to Canada as a professional extreme athlete. Which would be true if Red Bull paid Aussies to transform Whistler from a pristine mountain paradise to a dick-burning production of Bali on Ice.
Upon arrival, Tobz blows a fair chunk of his savings on a new snowboard and the dardiest ski-wear the Canadian dollar can buy. His dwindling cash reserves do not concern him as he has the fiscal sense of a crackhead with a winning scratchie.
He eventually realises he has to work, so he gets a job serving at a bar and suckles on the tippy teat of gratuities. That’s until he came into work charging like the 2006 Eagles Premiership Team.
Turns out there is such thing as too much MDMA and generally, if you start looking like the cookie monster with a concussion, you’ve hit that limit.
As punishment, he was reassigned to, but the glare of responsibility blinded him from the vision of his own brilliance. He stormed out mid shift and made his first of many phone call back home begging for more rent more.
Life was going as well as it could be for a mountain-mooch. He was carving fresh pow pow on the daily and begging girls for hot tub tuggos on the nightly. That’s until he decided to hit the slopes on shrooms one fateful morning. Long story short, his arm is shattered in 3 places.
For fuck’s sake, this is just like the time he came off his scooter in Kuta after indulging in Poppie Lanes finest fungi. A recurring theme in the ballad of a moron.
Well, one benefit of having to stay indoors is that Tobz can wear shorts and have his southern cross calf tatt proudly on display. How else would the “available pussy” know there is an Ozzie drinking at a Whistralia ski resort?
The rest of his holiday is spent getting as fucked as possible while chanting with a fellow group of walking Bintang singlets.
Unfortunately, drinks ain’t cheap on the mountain. Tobz knew he had to take drastic action, so he slapped on some clothes, wore a ski mask and in an act of oxygen banditry he tried to rob the local general store. It would’ve been the perfect crime too if he hadn’t picked a shirt with his name tag still attached.
Tobz may be banned from the country; however, his Facebook cover photo will forever remind him of the entire week of snowboarding he fitted in.
His next victim: Japan.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?