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The Perth New Zealander

Seems Murray couldn’t handle the jandal of Auckland life and set his sights on sunny Perth.

He was lured to Perth by stories of mean wages, choice weather and bikini-clad babes with massive pineapple lumps.

Now, for Murray moving countries was harder than Sonny Bill William’s dick in a nightclub cubicle. He loves his home and reckons New Zealand is the greatest nation in the world. A nation that just happens to get deserted like a used franger in a Dunedin carpark.

Upon arrival, Murray learnt that the job situation in Perth was pretty grim. He thusly accepted the call of the Kiwi and went and got his scaff ticket. Despite some basic qualifications, he can’t seem to land a job.

To forget his woes, he heads out with a group of JAFA’s to sink some ‘puss’. They enter the bottleshop and Murray is far from impressed. He bails the shop attendant up: “thus is pretty shut ay, where are the 18 pecks? Why haven’t you got any Steinlager? You don’t expect me to drink Aussie beer do you?”

He manages to get over the culture shock of the bottlo and settles into a few tinnies. Later in the evening, he decides to go to the pub. He slips into his favourite All Blacks shirt and heads towards the OBH.

He drinks with a group of Aussies who are courteous enough to point out the incorrect way he pronounces words. Each a jab riles him up until his frustration boils over, ”I’ll tell you what is redeculous that I don’t get welfare ay, all you bludging Aussies get it, bro!”

He is met with the Perth catchphrase, “well if you don’t like it, fuck off then buddy”.

Now Murray is as pissed off as an eggless Jake the Muss at Uncle Bulllllly’s birthday party. He starts fuming, and lays down the most powerful Kiwi diss of all time, “aw fuck off bro! You Aussies are just jealous you are shut at Rugby ay”.

The exchange has Murray feeling saltier than an internet feminist on Father’s Day. He sleeps off his anger and sends a fax to the Auckland town fax machine the following day. He is telling his parents that he is coming home.

That is until he gets offered a job. $40ph and a fuel card. “That’s fucking mean as bro! I love this country!”

To Kiwis, Australia is like a sugar-daddy with a nappy fetish. Sure it won’t feel right at first, but the money sure is good.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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