Every year the City of Perth pours a thick Christmasy slurry into society’s trough so we can mercilessly cram our cheer-holes full of tinsel’d joy. But not this year. No. In an act of unprecedented grinchery, the City of Perth cancelled the Pageant because they thought mother nature was going to open her legs and unleash a thrushy-tempest upon the 300,000 strong crowd.

Bob is fuming. He had Scoopon’d the shit out of a CBD hotel room and had planned to hoon his family down for a weekend away from Baldivis. He skim reads a Perthnow article and bellows out a stream of enraged incoherencies at his wife. She deciphers his bourbon-garbled communications, “bad weather ay, pigs arse darl”.

Now, what Bob lacks in meteorological knowledge and events logistics, he makes up in bigoted paranoia. As always, Bob yearns for his ignorance to be heard, so he jumps on Perthnow and detonates his own IED of truth, “bad wether HA HA HA, if beleive that ur a IDIOT. More to do wit ISLAMS bein offfend..ed mybe terrerism, whwen wll we all LEARN lol”. His anti-Halal cape flaps heroically in the winds of ignorance and the keyboard hammering simpletons rejoice that someone “finally said it”.

By the end of the day, the Perthnow comment’s section is resembling an overflowing Stereosonic’s toilet that every pinga-dicked shred-lord has proteined into. Bob is far from done. In fact, he has decided that he must not only Reclaim Australia, but now he must also Reclaim Christmas. He goes to his favourite Facebook group: a flag-waving community of grammarless heathens who consider a pig’s head meme to be the pinnacle of Aussie pride. He decides to go full patriot:

“Patriots and REAL Ozzies, I wnt stand for ISLMS trny CANCEL CRISTMAS… lol,… so we’r doing our own pageant this arvo in Mandruh…. brin ya car, and yas flags…, lol ChrisXmas is blood Australi lol”.

Bob tapes packets of bacon and ham to his bombed-out Fairmont and then adds his pièce de résistance: a tomato-sauced stained A4 piece of paper that reads “CHRISMAS IS OZZIE, LOVE IT OR LEVE IT”. He snaps up a Santa costume from Red Dot and in between his furious ranting about Islam and smoking durries, he makes Billy Bob’s Bad Santa look like the baby Jesus in a church nativity scene.

A handful of White Ox smoking day-drunks and Juicy Countour’d ho ho hoe-bags rock up to the grand event and Bob deems it a success. However, society in general deems the event a new low watermark on the shores of regressed bogan mentality.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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