Mr Meth Cop

Meth cops, meth cops, what ya gonna do? What ya gonna do when they come for you?

Officer Yewww is a wide-eyed, 24/7, crime-fighting machine. To fight meth, he became meth, and petty criminals fear his clenched jaw brand of justice. By discarding the inconveniences of food and sleep, Officer Yewww had embraced the lessons he learnt when Russell hung around the station on take your son to work day. Yew can run, but yew sure as hell can’t hide.

It’s 3am, and the dispatch radio alerts Officer Yewww to a suspected drug deal going down in Hyde Park. He whips his car around faster than the ejaculate from a blue-balled virgin in a Sexpo public toilet. Officer Yewww engages hyperdrive on the shard-ship enterprise when he sees the perps making a run for it. The paddy wagon has barely stopped moving as he pounces on the perp like a pippy-powered puma.

“What we got here motherfucker?” Officer Yewww licks his lips as he holds up a baggie containing a delicious crystallised substance, “a little bag of fuck-yeah I see”. The perp notices Officer Yewww has fallen into a crystal-trance and took his chance to snatch the bag back and make a run for it. This is the mother of all mistakes.

Officer Yewww kicks off like a Serbian tennis dad and chases the perp through the park. The rat-tailed shitbag stands no chance against the cranked up cop and is taken down within seconds. “If you snatch my fkn gear again son, I’ll fucking have ya”. The phrasing has left the perp in a state of confusion, “um, am I under arrest?” Officer Yewww’s penetrating gaze is burning a hole through the perps face, “nah, nah, nanannanaana, letting you off with a warning fuck-dick, get outta here”.

Officer Yewww jumps back in the car and shows his partner the yield. Having successfully avoided the fuck-a-round of arresting someone and handing over the kutz into evidence, the pair starts yewww’ing like a redundant FIFO on a brand new Jet Ski. Their shift is almost over so Officer Yewww heads to Maccas to grab his bi-weekly sustenance top up and then enjoy a couple of well-earned pipes.

On his way home, he spots a bit of biffo outside a Belmont house. Although Officer Yewww is off duty, he strongly believes that if crime doesn’t sleep, then neither will he. He charges in and quickly satisfies himself that none of the men involved are holding any gear. Suddenly, he is struck with a light bulb of inspiration! Quite literally, as he starts unscrewing light bulbs in the living room, “taking these as evidence, pending further investigation ya bunch of yoghurt cocks”.

Meth: free, Big Macs: Free, scoring a stash of extra light bulbs to replace the ones you used as pippy pipes: priceless.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?