Jayfree met his baby-mamma at Lakers Tavern in 2015. After 10 Jack & Cokes, the real Slim Shardy stood up and wooed her with a heinous Eminem freestyle. Needless to say, he got a couple of fingers on each hand up her that night, and the rest is history.

So, what better way to celebrate their love than VIP tickets to see every white rapper’s patron saint? In anticipation of the ticket release, Jayfree worked hard, he stepped up his traino baggie-business and damn near wore the zipper off his fake Gucci manbag. He was a stan with a plan.

By this stage, he was feeling a bit like a Crack God, but he knew he still had to raise funds. This was a big occasion, so he needed his pippy puddles to run deep for the night, and he couldn’t risk Marshal Mathers seeing him without a new silver “I know a few bikies” chain. So he did what any rat-tailsman would, and flogged counterfeit tickets on Gumtree – $1500 for 2.

Despite the tickets being produced on the Rockingham Library photocopier, he managed to offload them on a lifeform so dense he’d put Osmium to shame. He didn’t really want to rip off his own brother like that, but he had to do what he had to do. Yee, boiiii.

Finally, Wednesday rolls around, and the culture king & queen of Perf are ready. They’d been “ready” for several nights, in fact. Jayfree is nervous, he’d never been a “VIP” before, in fact, the only venue he’s ever entered through a different entrance was the Magistrate’s Court. He gives the security an “I could fuck you up, but not tonight” glance and enters Perth Stadium.

The stadium is quite the sight, it’s crawling with more Nikes than a Cambodian sweatshop, and every bloke looks like a Coles Brand version of the Hill Top Hoods. His people <3. If he had one criticism, it would be that they weren’t serving full strength piss. A reality that remained unchanged, no matter how many of the bar staff he staunched. Dogs.

After several hours of Snapchatting himself rapping along to the entire concert and @’ing Eminem, he grabs his woman, “we’ve gotta get to the after party first, I’ll spit some bars to Em, babe, he’ll sign me for sure”.

Uh oh, he didn’t read the fine print, and his beloved Jarsintar didn’t have the heart to tell him that Eminem would rather attend a 2004 mother’s day brunch than rub shoulders with Perf’s unwashed. Well, an hour into after party and no-chill, Jayfree becomes suspicious. He approaches a bouncer, “oi, where’s Em?”

He doesn’t take the news well. He loads up his emotional boot with anger and drives it right off the bridge of reasonable behaviour, as he proceeds to spend the next 8 hours roaming Crown looking for Mr “I’m too good to meet & great his fans”. Get some rest, mate.