So, you want to be a lawyer?

Making the Choice 

So, you’re a smart kid that excels in the humanities but has the scientific know-how of a scorched meth cook? You sure as shit ain’t going to be a doctor, so to make sure society knows you are one of the chosen few, you decide you want to be a lawyer.

Say that again, law-yeah, law-fuck-yeah. Feels good, don’t it? Now just say it a few more times. Oh yeah. That’s the stuff.


Before you can live out your fantasy of winning trials with a single closing statement, you are going to need to conquer the demon of University.

Instead of doing any of the shit you’ll be expected to know when you get a job, you will spend your time doing far more useful things, like smashing more essays than a Mexican hooker and listening to mature age students verbally masturbate… For 5 years. 

Work experience 

This works two ways, your parents either have a family friend who is a lawyer, or you compete for an unpaid internship where you will put all those hours of photocopying at the law library to good use. Honestly, it’s best to get used to working for free, it will help to ease the sting of all those hours of unpaid overtime you are in store for. 


It won’t take you long to figure out in your work experience that for every Harvey Specter wannabe there are at least 20 Dennis Denutos. Ultimately more endearing but cheap suits, bad haircuts and a crippling mediocracy is a consistent theme in the profession.

Sure you might go to some swanky bars but you’ll more likely spend your Friday arvos watching your directors quickly neck cheap wine like they were Epstein’s prison guards.

Landing a job

Remember when you just finished school and thought you were going to “make a difference” as a human rights lawyer? You were idealistic and thought you’d never be like the rest of your professional cohort.

Well, forget that, because if you’re lucky enough to even get a job, you will embrace a new life of fattening the trough of some corporate swine, while accounting for every 6 minutes of your life – they call them billable units, but in reality, they are units of your soul. 

Always remember though, never give up, because you have about 50K of HECS to pay back, and on the minimum wage you’re making, you’ll be there in no time, probably.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?