Mr LinkedIn

Vince is a CEO, but according to LinkedIn he is a “Leader, Opportunity Creator, Human”. He spends up to 20 hours a week on this corporate pissing contest and is no stranger to leaving an off-putting puddle of pompous piss on the floor of social media. 

Having just cracked open his second bottle of Grange, Vince feels that his “network” could really benefit from knowing how nice his car is. He lubes up the pinky of ego and slips it ever so seamlessly into your unsuspecting feed,

“Now, I’m not posting my car this show-off, in fact, I hate the thing! (Not really) but when it needed a service the owner of the dealership said, “Vince, the way you run your company inspires trust, have my car while yours gets tuned up”. He handed me the keys to his Lambo – never underestimate the value of customer services, I’ll definitely be buying a Bentley from him again!”

What he liked most about this unabashed wankery, was that due to professional civility, no one would dare call him out on it. It didn’t take long before he turned into an unsolicited wank-merchant flinging his business DNA all over the shop.

Vince sits in the Qantas lounge Googling his name. Feeling inspired by his own digital footprint he decides to inspire others. He logs on to Linkedin and deposits this steaming skiddie down the toilet bowl of believability:

“Son, 4, came home from school and said, ‘Dad, today I saw a mummy punch another mummy because one of their sons kicked over the other’s sandcastle’.

I said, ‘interesting, and what can we learn from this?’

He looked me right in the eye and said, ‘sometimes people value assets due to their sentimental value, rather than more traditional measures of value’

Kids just know! I called a prospective client and converted him into a real client because I now understood why he was reluctant to offer up his grandmother’s property as collateral for my fee agreement”

The next day, Vince boosts his quarterly projections by “reorganising” his workforce. It’s hard to describe the perverse pleasure a CEO gets from firing 100 people to make a line on a graph angle up. Needless to say, it makes him harder than the shortcut on Rainbow Road.

To celebrate his decision making, he decides to treat his network to a little parable of how good a bloke he is,

“I would like to share a story with you. I would often see this homeless man begging outside my building. One day, instead of giving him the usual $20, I asked, ‘you sir, if it was your first day at my company, and I told you to invest in something, what would it be?’

He looked at me and said, ‘I would ask the company to invest in me, and sign me up to professional development courses, only after that would I consider stock options for your clients’.

Having completed 3 CEO sleepouts I knew what his life was like, so I had my driver take him to Kings St to get a suit and a haircut. I hired him that day. A good employer sees past the bottom line”

Typically, the usual chorus of ring-sniffers and suckholes validate his outrageous carry-on in a roaring power ballad of likes & praise. Feeling somehow more important than usual, Vince decides to pull a play straight from the greasycunt playbook. He slides into the DM of a babe “seeking new opportunities”.

“Hi, Vince here! I really like your profile, would you be interested in some one on one mentorship? I always leave my protegees satisfied”.

Oh, Vince, this is how that lawsuit started…

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?