Like any good gastroenteritis breakout, Tony is a master of giving everyone the shits. To achieve this public disservice, he embraces the medium of talkback radio. 

After being made redundant from Telstra 15 years ago, Tony rode the payout wave to the shores of bankruptcy and was then forced to work at a warehouse. Unfortunately, the rigours of contributing to society were too much for him, and he pulled a slip & fall manoeuvre, and his snout landed deep in the trough of workers comp until he retired. 

To kill time, Tony finds himself getting irrationally irate about issues that do not affect him. Yesterday one such issue was the decision to extend the increased Jobseeker payment,

“This lot are living the high life on my tax dollars! Growing up, my parents were real battlers, we often only had potatoes for tea, didn’t see them asking for handouts, its called a work ethic, you keep giving this lot money and you wonder why we have sudo africanese running riot! Where’s the money for the retirees? The salt of the earth, fair dinkum Aussies?”

Tony is quickly cut off and reminded to stay on topic; a warning he is all too familiar with. In his next breath, Tony starts rambling that ever since politicians started pandering to immigrants the drug problem has increased and now he’s paying for half the population to sit on their bums on Jobseeker, Tony’s landline number is now blacklisted. 

In a cunning ruse, Tony gets around his ban by calling from his deadshit mate’s phone while attempting to disguise his voice with a “leftie” accent. Today’s topic is road congestion and the presenter suspects it’s actually Tony on the line when he claims the Kwinana upgrade is as poorly thought out as the “vote yes nonsense”; the presenter queries, “Tony, is that you?” Another landline blocked. 

Unlike his cretinous opinions, Tony’s options are running out. He decides the safest way to go forward is to get his de facto to call and bark orders at her from a distance. This evenings topic is permitted international students to return to Australia provided they pay for their own quarantine. 

Sandra reluctantly makes the argument that until Unis take responsibility for leftist snowflakes, they should be given no special treatment on our border policy. Once again, the presenter becomes suspicious when he hears Tony growling something about gender-neutral toilets and paedos. “Sandra, I’ll just stop you there, is that, Tony in the background? I can clearly hear him”. 

Tony knows the jig is up and decides there is only one play left; to go out in a blaze of glory. He grabs the phone from his long-suffering de facto,

Yeh it’s me, and I’d just like to say IF THAT LOT BLOODY COME INTO THE TOILET WHEN MY GRANDAU….” *call ended*. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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